Dear Team
While Deepavali is popularly known as the "festival of lights", the most significant spiritual meaning is "the awareness of the inner light". Thava 16 years old, had not returned home for 7 days and his mother was so angry that she kept insisting that it was best to send him to an institution. The situation at home was tense and the sad thing is that Thava was recently released from an institution in which he had been residing for 6 years. For those of us who knew Thava and his family before he was institutionalised,we could not help feeling a strong sense of déjà vu. Back then, Thava and his mother had big fights and after they happened, Thava stayed away from home. It was happening all over again 6 years later. Thava has not learned to live with his family.

With the help of our youths, we located Thava in a housing estate. He was hanging out with a bunch of older youths who to our pleasant surprise, advised Thava that he had "only one mother and he must go home no matter what." When Thava protested that they did not understand what he had to put up with, they simply told him to "cut the bullshit" and to return with us. These youths later revealed to us that they had once benefitted from our diversion programmes and even asked about colleagues whom they knew. It was really quite an empowering moment for us to experience our social capital working for us : )

Thava followed us back to the office and we arranged for his father to pick him up. We were mindful that this boy had been depending on professionals for almost half his life and it was about time he depended on his family. When the father arrived, Thava voiced his pessimism about ever getting along with his mother but both father and son agreed that they should get the family to work towards a joyous Deepavli. It would be 5 days of hard work but they would give it their best shot and for Thava, that meant that he had to search within himself the right way of relating to his mother. Neither his father or us, told him what he had to do but we reminded him that he had a "light" within.

Thava's mother was livid when he arrived home with his father but Thava kept his cool, greeted her respectfully and went to play with his younger brother. We sat with the mother and captured the basis of her unkind statements and harsh actions. She wanted Thava to learn that staying away from home without parental permission was wrong but since Thava did not seem to learn from her reprimands, she sought the help of the police. She was searching for know-how and support in parenting but when the police suggested the possibility of institutional care, it hit her that it may not be such a bad idea since her housing situation was precarious and at least Thava will have his basic needs attended to while she sorts out housing arrangements for the longer term.

This mother could have sought the support of her husband but perhaps, having had 2 of her children removed from her 6 years ago, she now feels that she has to be a supermom who saves the day for her family. Anyway, after a good 2 hours of hearing her out, she finally asked "Now that I have my son back, what should I do?" Wisely, our colleague re-directed her to her inner "light", "Thava is your son and mother knows best." It took this mother a while before she headed towards her 'light' but tomorrow, this family will celebrate Deepavali together for the first time in 6 years.

May your "light" shine within you this weekend.
Gerard

Children & their families no matter how challenging have strengths that can be built on to help them develop into well-adjusted individuals & nurturing environments respectively. - A Helping Principle of our Safe Kids Programme.

Dear Team
Jane (AWB 0839, 0849, 0908 & 0913) arrived in Court with her uncle, properly attired in her school uniform, hair well tied up and in her white school shoes.  The Magistrate looked briefly at the papers before him and then looked at Jane who was seated below. "So Jane, do you understand the recommendation that was put forward to you?” Jane squinted a little, leaned forward and blurted “Huh?”

The Magistrate was patient. In a very composed tone, he asked again. “ Do you understand what was recommended for you?" and again, Jane went "Huh???" Her brows drew closer together, and she started knocking her knees together nervously. Our colleague put her hand on Jane's left knee and she calmed down and stopped doing so. The following conversation then took place.

Magistrate: Do you understand that your uncle will be taking care of you from now on?

Jane: Yah

Magistrate: Do you have anything to say about that?

Jane: No lah

Magistrate: If you have anything to say, you can say it now?

Jane: Nothing ah....

Magistrate: Ok... so I approve the recommendation and appoint your uncle as the Fit Person for Jane, while Jane will continue her daily after school activities at Kids United Home.

So we have succeeded in discharging Jane from Kids United Home one week short of a year's stay. More importantly, we have reunited Jane with family members who are committed to giving her the best of their love and care. The above conversation shows that despite a Court room designed to bring about a sense of decorum, Jane could not help being the 12 year old she is.

Jane came to us an 11 year old orphan who had been in residential care for about 6 years. She was suspended from school and had a track record of being violent to peers and those who cared for her. Her family was assessed to be uncooperative and adoption or stranger care was viewed as the only way to go. This was who she was and even if we had spelt out our expectations of her like how the Court room had expected her to behave, she would have been Jane who had yet come to terms with the cards that life has dealt her.

Thus, our job was to care, guide and to protect her. As a place of safety for children in need of care and protection, we could have gone about our job in the following ways:

1. Shelter her till she reaches 16 years old and no longer deemed to be a child who needs protection under the Children and Young Persons Act. By doing so, we would have protected her from her family who has not proven to have Jane’s best interest at heart;
2. Focus on nurturing her resilience and her daily living skills so that she will be able to cope with life’s challenges;
3. Preserve and strengthen her family so that they become a nurturing and protective factor for the longer term.

The Kids United Home was not set up for long-term residential care so obviously we went about our job as described in b & c. Since 2005 we have served 45 children and 32 of them are back with their families and doing well. 5 were fine upon discharge but were later readmitted into another residential facility as they had gotten into situations that compromised their safety and not because their families were unsafe or uncaring. That leaves 8 who are still residing with us. So far the average length of stay among all residents has been 11.8 months and our success rate for a sustainable family reunification stands at 86%.

Jane is now back at school. Yesterday, her form teacher told us that she is pleased that Jane is trying her best. She takes twice as long as the other students but she finishes her work as promised. Besides being proud of Jane and wishing her well, the next time I see her, I will thank her for being a wonderful teacher of what a good residential programme should be.

Her initial emotional outbursts and disruptive behaviours taught us to journey towards the epi-centre of conflicts; we learnt that when a child is uncooperative, it is usually because there is something wrong with our system rather than the child. Her fierce loyalty to her friends at the expense of her own well being taught us that children have a strong sense of generosity.

While she may not be the brightest spark in the classroom she was a star in-line skater. This taught us that even as we aim to get children to be good at their studies, we must not forget that it is equally important if not more that they can be good at something else. Once, I asked her to pick out plants from a nursery that she thought would create a warm welcome at the entrance of our Home. Watching her take pains to get it right showed me how important it was for us to trust children with decision-making.

Finally, as much as we try to give children a sense of belonging, they belong to their family and Jane’s family has reminded us that if we cannot see beyond the sad histories that bring children to our door, we will institutionalise pessimism. If we cannot see a positive future for the children and their families, it is not likely that we will succeed in bringing about one.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

When it is necessary for a family member to have a period away from home in a program that reflects a cooperative, competency-based approach, residential treatment can help children or adolescents and their parents develop a new view of themselves.

On the other hand, when residential treatment is concerned with control and cure, when it seeks to solve problems or repair deficits, it can be a powerful factor in further disempowering families and contributing to problems persisting or recurring.
–taken from Residential Treatment by M Durrant

Dear Team
Young people are often caricatured as having untidy rooms and having little motivation to keep house.  It was not so with the 9  kids in our Kids United Home who with the support of more than 25 volunteers from Barclays, worked hard at sprucing up their rooms over 2 days. While a spruced up room was the 'objective', the process provided important lessons in budgeting, time-management and teamwork. The volunteers guided our kids as they managed their $70 budget;  the shopping trip began and ended as scheduled and the painting of the rooms was completed right on time with a debrief to wrap up the whole exercise.

Over the past few days, our kids have been visiting each other's room mutually admiring each other's  accomplishment. Thank you Barclays for befriending our kids. Your efforts remind me of a saying by Elizabeth Lawrence.

“There is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again.”

Despite the positive family support we had described in AWB 0934, Mdm Jamilah was looking very down when we visited. So we started asking her about her Hari Raya preparations and realized that her lack of means to prepare for the celebrations was a source of stress. We offered our support  and it  was really quite amazing for us to see how 2 cans of paint brought out the essence of  family life - co-operation.

When we arrived the following morning, Mdm Jamilah and her 3 children were already moving their furniture and preparing the living room for  a paint job. The entire family excitedly accompanied us to the paint shop and Mdm Jamilah took her children's choice of colors  even though she was a little hesitant as they were not what she had in mind. This was supposedly a family in conflict but the shared goal of a joyous Hari Raya Celebration got them working together harmoniously. When the task was completed, one of the children remarked that  the living room had been white since he was born and he was really happy and proud that it now had color.

The children in Kids United Home and Mdm Jamilahs' family both received a little practical support that brought out the best in them but rest assured that we are not advocating for a home decorating programme. The decoration projects were only a means of helping everyone to help themselves. Success in our job is not so much about what we have done but what those we serve have done for themselves.

Selamat Hari Ray Adil Fitri to all our Muslim friends.

Enjoy your long weekend.
Gerard

"The true worth of a man is not to be found in the man himself, but in the colors and texture that come alive in others. " ~ Albert Schweitzer

Dear Team
On 11 September  2001, the attack on the World Trade Centre destroyed the headquarters of Cantor Fitzgerald  & eSpeed claiming the lives of 658 employees. In 2004, Cantor Fitzgerald seperated its voice brokerage business and its Singapore office was renamed BGC.   Today, they have chosen to remember the  events of September 11, 2001 by reaching out to help others.

This morning 4 of our children were warmly welcomed at the  BGC Partners (S) Ltd and BGC Radix Energy LP offices at Millenia Tower. "Wah! So many computers!" was our children's first reaction. Immediately our children realised that everyone in front of the computer was working very hard. There was urgency in their voices and purpose in their action. Immediately our children had a serious demeanour about them. It did not last long though as the warm smiles around the office melted away their stiffness  and they were back to their bouncy selves. 

After receiving a brief explanation about brokering being the job of putting together a buyer and seller, our children got a chance to help out their new found friends on the phone. "Thank you for dealing with BGC" they confidently repeated to the delight of the brokers near them and the trader on the other end of the line. The traders were curious about the young voices they were hearing and several spoke with our children for a while. It was certainly quite an experience for Sharaf who immediate went up to Mr Craig Bannister, Managing Director asking for a job. When told that he had to finish his studies and to come back in about 10 years, Sharaf asked  Mr Bannister for his age. After doing his sums mentally, Sharaf told Mr Bannister " Ok, but you better not be dead."  To which Mr Bannister said, "I may not be here, but I don't plan to be dead!"  Through this kind of banter, the children got to experience the people and the place at BGC.

Today is BGC's 5th Annual Global Charity Day and all revenues generated from the day's trading will be donated to charity. As I am writing this, the financial division has just stopped work and their energy division is still working hard for us. It is estimated that the day's revenue will be about 80% of what their industry would normally take in on any given day. We will be one of several Asian charities that will benefit from BGC's generosity. The funds coming in will certainly be useful for our work but for me the inspiration and encouragment they gave our children today is just as valuable if not more.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard
 
To learn and to change so that it never happens again; To keep the memories of the events and the people alive but to also keep living; If not for ourselves; for our way of life; for our freedom; for our children -

Dear Team
School takes a break for a week from tomorrow and it will certainly be a well deserved break for Teck Ghee a 14 year old boy, who has had quite a ride in school the past year. Teck Ghee came to us in March last year on the brink of being expelled from school He was always getting into fights with other students and was extremely defiant towards his teachers. Thus, he was suspended from school and his grandmother who cares for him was advised by the school to file for a beyond parental control order.

For more than a year, we attempted to heal the relationships Teck Ghee had with his school, his friends and his family but our efforts had no lasting impact. He continued to break the school rules and his relationship with family members was lukewarm at best. When he was suspended from school, we would ensure that he continued to receive and submit his homework. We  got him a volunteer tutor and got him to participate in various educational programmes  However, every time he returned to school, he got suspended again after a couple of weeks.

At home we facilitated various opportunities for him to spend meaningful time with his grandmother, sister and other relatives. A movie outing, a meal at the hawker centre, observing the Tai Chi class at the Community Centre and so forth. From our perspective, these events did not look very encouraging as family members appeared rather awkward being together. However, we were consoled that at least we were able to delay the family from going to the court to file a beyond parental control order.

This year after the June holidays, when Teck Ghee was given the opportunity to return to school, he responded by being the model student. It was then that we realized that the little things we facilitated did add up. Teck Ghee told us that the volunteer tutor helped him reflect on his situation;  he realized that he badly wants to get an education and to achieve success. He also valued the support from his family; an aunt accompanying him to his medical appointments, his elder sister being less impatient, his grandmother less naggy and he attributes these to be a result of those awkward family outings we had facilitated.

The school played an important part too as they felt that to help Teck Ghee they had to move beyond punishment.  They started considering that the boy's chronic ear infection could have something to do with his problems. Immediately, they arranged for him to sit in the front of the class so that he could hear better. Also, the teachers always remembered to check with him during class if he could hear and understand what was being taught. The school then also accepted that Teck Ghee mainly got into fights because he was cruelly teased for the pus that  oozed out of his ears.

This term, Teck Ghee is beginning to enjoy school again. He cannot remember the last time he felt this way and is now hopeful he can really make something out of his life. This would not have happened if we had simply asked what school rules have been broken and not who has been hurt? Who were the offenders and not what are their needs? What do these offenders deserve rather than what is our responsibility towards them?

Enjoy your weekend
Gerard
 
Amend legislation disallowing parents from filing complaints and court proceedings against children because they are ‘beyond parental control’. This often leads to the child being institutionalised in homes for juvenile delinquents. -

Article 12 of the UN Committee's concluding observations on the State of Children's Rights in Singapore

Dear Team
A grandmother with her 2 month old grandchild in arm, rushed into our Healthy Start Child Development Centre (HSCDC) requesting to use the phone. She contacted a friend and appeared very agitated. As she was speaking so loudly, we learnt that the police had just picked up her house-mate from her home and she was frightened, angry and extremely confused.  When she hung up the phone, 2 of our teachers sat next to her until she calmed down. They then accompanied her home, collected some of the baby’s stuff and brought the baby back to our infant care facility so as to let grandmother have a couple of hours to recover from her shock.

A 6 year old girl stopped coming to HSCDC because her elder sisters have all moved on to Primary School. Though they were kids themselves, her elder sisters were an important stabilising force for this 6 year old. Concerned that her learning and preparation for school will be affected, our teachers designed a learning routine where a large part of her education was carried out in her home. This 6 year old has been keeping the routine faithfully and is always so excited whenever our teacher goes to her home.

At HSCDC, our teachers do their best to celebrate every little achievement of our children with a Kodak moment. It makes their day to see a child use a spoon, wipe his mouth with a napkin and not his sleeve, say thank you or share their food. Little things for big people but big things for little people. These moments and other school work are collated into each child’s personal learning portfolio and presented to their parents during a year-end review meeting. The learning portfolio is a gift from our teachers to the parents for their partnership - a partnership that works at honouring parents as the first educators in their children’s lives.

A teacher can’t help but be a role model and many of our teachers are working hard at their own personal and professional development. Despite their duties at work and family commitments, several of them are preparing for year-end examinations. Perhaps, this effort of theirs is one of the most important lessons they have imparted to all the children.

From the above, I see that our teachers are not here simply to teach subjects but to teach little children how to show concern for a neighbour, how to reach out to a friend in difficulty, how not to take our successes for granted, how to honour and value our families and how to keep on learning. They are not just teaching professionals but very important members of our community who are a valuable resource for our children and their families. Let us wish them a very Happy Teachers Day!

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

There is no such thing as the great psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, teacher or crisis person. Only ordinary human beings, ordinary men and women who decided to take on the struggle and are dedicated to reclaiming troubled children and youth who have been alienated by society. – Fritz Redl

Dear Team
“It is not the professional qualification you have that makes you a good therapist; it is what’s within you that enables you to form a therapeutic alliance with your client.”   I was reminded of this statement by Anthony Yeo during his memorial service yesterday evening.  Anthony, who passed away on 20 th June, was often referred to as Singapore's "father of counselling" for his pioneering role in the profession's development. 

This week 21 of our team-mates began their 2 nd series of intensive lectures for a Diploma in Social Service Practice at the Social Service Training Institute. This programme is offered by the Potsdam University of Applied Sciences, Berlin. Let’s continue to encourage them as they juggle their assignments and duties at work. Hopefully, through the programme they do not only acquire practice skills but enlarge ‘what’s within them’ to give and to serve.

Here is reflection from our team-mate Stella that describes the work done by Virginie, Samuel and herself for a mother who had just gotten out of prison that demonstrates a capacity to give and to serve. Since coming home, this mother and her children have been at odds with each other and our team-mates persuaded the family to organise a surprise birthday party for mother.

I have only known Mdm Jamilah for 5 days but listening to her, I realized that the death of her husband in 2007, her release from prison, her children returning into her care, unemployment and the expectations of others (e.g. school) have been overwhelming. We pondered about what we could do to bring healing to this hurting mum but after last night’s session, I realized that the true healing began when she was placed in the heart of her family.  

We had planned to start dinner by 7pm but then, Virginie and I had to first track down her 3 kids aged 14, 13 and 12 yrs so that they would turn up on time.  The kids were making lots of excuses but with mum’s help, we finally got them home by 8pm.  It was meant to be a small family affair but the kids brought their friends home and mum welcomed them.      When we asked whether they started their meal with a prayer, the kids giggled. Then the youngest child started to pray but mum decided to take the lead and led the family and friends in prayer – giving thanks to God.   Very proud of her!

What surprised us was when mum’s 3 sisters turned up in full force.  We were only expecting her oldest sister but she contacted the younger two sisters to turn up for the celebration.      As the sisters arrived, mum smiled at them nervously and continued to occupy herself in the kitchen. The arrival of the aunts was also the cue that kicked the kids into action. They lit up the cake which was cleverly hidden in the room by Virginie.    I switched off the lights and mum was so surprised as we sang Happy Birthday.    Then the sisters sang a song in Malay asking God to bless her on her birthday.   

We didn’t have to do much as the energy in the room was so high.   We felt the warmth of the family filling the room.   I distributed yellow roses to all present as Mum busied herself in the kitchen.   We called out to her and when she came, each of her kids hugged her and said “I love you!” Her sisters then did the same and added other words of wisdom, praise and love.  The entire family did not hold back their emotions as they shed tears of joy.

As we made our exit, Samuel, Virginie and myself  affirmed her and thanked the family for coming to together to show mum that she is loved and supported by so many people.  We all went away feeling energized.  This is just the beginning and we will continue the healing work with the family.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

I strongly believe in the capacity of people to transcend situations and problems…I am not so much struck by the problems that people have as much as the capacity of people to cope and deal with them. – Anthony Yeo

Dear Team
This evening several of us will be with 50 of our youths at Singapore 2010 Youth Olympic Games One Year Countdown Party.  The people responsible for the Youth Olympics have been fantastic in making sure the young people we serve are not left out and can contribute. They offered George (AWB 0921), a young person who is finding his way, the chance to be a flag bearer tonight.   Unfortunately, he did not feel up to it but the generous reaching out on the part of the organizers made our day.

A very important aspect of working with children, youths or just about anyone is giving them the opportunity to contribute, to play a part and in the process they get to help themselves and even enhance our experience. In our work, a good job is not about doing things for others but with others.

This school term, the learning theme at our Healthy Start Child Development Centre is 'Plants' and it was really heartening to see the effort our teachers have put in to get the children and their parents to contribute towards their own learning.

Right from the first session of the day, the teachers provided numerous opportunities for the children to make decisions. "To give them ownership of the learning process" they tell me.   So when discussing the type of plants, the children were engaged in decision making processes and got to decide on the type they wanted to 'bring' into the classroom and what they could do with them. Strangely, all the children chose plants that produced fruits, spices and other food J .

One of the classes was discussing spices and herbs and they told the teacher that they wanted to cook a sardine curry meal complete with rice.   Despite Singapore being a food paradise, one would be hard pressed to locate a restaurant, eatery or hawker who served a sardine curry.

But in a school, there are lessons beyond the subjects taught. Beyond plants and food, our teachers knew that attempting a sardine curry would be an important lesson in respecting decisions, an affirmation of the children's creativity, sense of curiosity and a learning activity where the children have the experience of being taken seriously. Teachers don't just teach subjects; they impart life-skills and nurture children for life.

The children had chosen to use sardine that came from a can but the curry was a hit as one could taste the love, care and respect from many helping hands; big and small that went into its preparation. Next week, the children are going to bring ingredients home and prepare a meal together with their family. They will then 'show and tell' how they contributed to the dish before sharing it with their classmates.

It will require a fair amount of planning and effort as each child will probably want to cook something different with his or her family but this will be an important effort in affirming parents as the first educators in their children's lives. Regardless of their backgrounds, they play key roles in their children's education and we will create opportunities for them to lead, problem-solve, make decisions and contribute towards the goals of the school.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

“When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die.”  Eleanor Roosevelt

Dear Team
This Sunday, 7 of our children will be attending the National Day Parade. This year’s Parade Organising Committee has been making a focused effort to reach out to the less privileged, raising funds and creating ways where they can contribute to the celebrations.  Come Together – Reaching Out, Reaching Up is this year’s theme and I think it is an apt reminder that the less privileged among us are one of us and should never be treated in a less dignified way. A few days ago I noticed a training programme for child serving professionals and I was quite heartened to note that the organisers are describing the families of these children as ‘vulnerable’ instead of ‘dysfunctional’, a description that was extensively used previously.

Little Alan Boy, 7 was at the playground having a great time when he overheard some older boys discussing his father. He thought that the boys had said that his father was arrested by the police. Pretending that he did not hear, he just went about playing harder and eventually ran along to another playground.  Alan Boy was deeply loyal to his father whom he regarded as a caring person and a great buddy on weekend fishing trips. While he appeared nonchalant, Alan Boy was afraid, worried, embarrassed and angry with his father. His mother had already passed away and Alan Boy was deeply worried that he would lose his father too.

His father was picked up by the police for disturbing the peace while intoxicated. When a grassroots leader whom we have been working closely with learnt of the arrest, he contacted us and together we worked out a plan to attend to Alan Boy.  That evening Alan Boy had dinner with family of this grassroots leader and after dinner, the family assured Alan Boy that they will care for him while his father was away. They also told him that he should still respect his father and they were simply helping his father while he sorted out his problems. Alan Boy spent a few days with the family of the grassroots leader and is now back with his father.

To me this story demonstrates how people in a community can come together to problem solve in a respectful way. The grassroots leader did not regard or treat Alan Boy’s father as a public nuisance but as members of his community that needed his support. He reminded Alan Boy that his father was still the head of their family and offered his assistance in a way where Alan Boy and his family kept their dignity intact. This grassroots leader and his family have our deepest admiration and respect in the way they look out for the most vulnerable members of their community.

This year’s National Day Theme Song is entitled What Do You See? Well, looking at this grassroots leader and his family I see One United People.

Happy National Day!
Gerard

The theme for NDP 09, “Come Together – Reaching Out, Reaching Up” draws inspiration from the Singapore National Pledge. It is about our coming together as one united people, to Reach Out to all Singaporeans regardless of race, language or religion, and to Reach Up towards our hopes and aspirations articulated when we pledge to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation. -Wikipedia

As Jeffry attended our programmes, we were near enough to observe how he grew. I would say that he never forgot the promise he made to his mother and played the role of a big brother to a T. It appears that at 6 years old, Jeffry had decided that he would be his family’s protector and as he got bigger, he just got better at it. Jeffry was not a bully and he would never pick a fight but he will be no push over if you push any of his family members around.

This week, we shared his mom’s relief as the judge called for a pre-sentencing report from the probation service. It is not over yet but there is now a possibility that Jeffry does not have to be incarcerated or have his studies disrupted. A few months ago Jeffri got into a fight with a group of youths who were taunting his younger brother. At that point, he could not see the implications of his actions and was just reacting like the family protector he had always been. Protecting his family was his reality; it was his default setting that blinded him from seeing the reality that the law had to be respected. Hence, if probation is not recommended, Jeffri will be sentenced to a 4 year spell at the Reformative Training Centre.

To improve Jeffry’s chances of probation, we need to ensure that the care and guidance plan which his family had put together does not breakdown.  For a start we have to help them hold steady or express their emotions in way that does not prevent them from working together for Jeffry’s benefit. The plans also have to be something that Jeffry’s family can realistically achieve and we must be able to rally enough support from others to fill in the gaps. In the care plan, we also have to address how Jeffry can keep his default setting from blinding him to other realities.

There will be a lot of learning needed from Jeffry, his family and us as we attempt to lead them out of their predicament. I had only listed starting points but the work will really be more than that as we move along. It is much effort and so helping professionals are tempted to just let the system take its course and simply wish the ‘Jeffries’ of the world good luck. All I will say is that juvenile delinquency is a complex issue and if we take the effort to explore its complexity, we will never get bored as each person comes with a different life-story. As long as we remain sincere, it will not be more of the same and we will have no reason to become jaded.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

It is not the leader’s role to play judge and jury, to punish people for bad behaviour. In the first place, punishment does not effectively control behaviour. If the leader tries to act as a judge and jury, he will discover that the instrument of justice cuts both ways. Punishing others is punishing work. – Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching

Dear Team
A 3 year old greeted his mother cheerfully when she came by to pick him up at our Healthy Start Child Development Centre. The little boy put on his shoes hurriedly, grabbed his little backpack and could not wait to get out. “Have you forgotten something?” a teacher asked gently and as he looked at her quizzically, she handed him a bright yellow balloon. The boy took the balloon with both hands and happily left with mom.  

A few seconds later this child was screaming his head off, sitting on the walkway with the balloon on his lap. He was crying and at the same time repeating a statement that mom could not quite make out. Another parent who was standing nearby asked what happened and tried to pacify the boy. It did not help as the crying only got louder and he kept repeating the statement which sounded like “I want burst balloon!”  His mother and the other parent looked at each other in exasperation and wondered if they were hearing the request right. Just awhile ago, it looked as if this little boy would protect the balloon with his life but was it only so that he could burst it?

Mom’s patience ran out “I am in a rush, do you have a pin?” she asked the other parent. “No, but get a pen from the teacher” was the reply. Mom got the pen and handed it to her son “Burst it yourself if you want.”  The boy brushed away the pen with a loud “No!”  Thankfully, at that moment the teacher came out and led the boy and mom back to Centre. She took back her pen and in a calming voice asked the boy to stop crying by reasoning, “I cannot understand you if you keep crying. Tell me what you want and I will see if I can help.”  Soon the boy stopped bawling and in between soft sobs repeated “I want burst balloon.”  Like the mom, the teacher was a little surprised by the request but she caught herself as she felt that it did not add up. This kid loves balloons; he could never resist them so why would he want a burst balloon?

“So you want a burst balloon?” and the boy nodded as she clarified. “Why?”  She continued. “I put in bag.” He answered. At that moment, it dawned on mom and the other parent that the kid had simply wanted to deflate his balloon so that it was easier for him to bring it home. He was not just a brat behaving badly but a thinking boy who was actually trying to solve a ‘problem’ he was having. He had a picture of the solution and his plan was to seek the help of his mother, the one adult he really trusted. Unfortunately, through no fault of his, he lacked the vocabulary and the verbal skills to make a clear request to his mother and started getting frustrated because he had already tried his best to no success.

This may have been about a balloon and a 3 year old but it holds important lessons in problem solving. What would have happened if the mom had simply burst that balloon and dragged a crying kid home? How would the situation have escalated? Also, how often have we simply burst out when the pressures of the situation got too much and then thought to ourselves that we were justified in doing so? Is it also simply about how a child should behave and how a mother should respond? Is the basis for the ‘should’ attending to the crux of the matter? Has the ‘should’ become a rule that prevents us from thinking deeper about issues? Is it possible that our rules are harmful and preventing us from doing the right thing?

There are just some questions about rules and standard operating procedures (SOP) that we sometimes take for granted when we go about our work. A fair amount of work can become more efficient and effective with rules and SOP but do take a second look when they bring us to the conclusion that we are dealing with unreasonable people. Like this 3 year old child, the people we serve are not unreasonable; there is reasoning behind their behaviours that we have yet to discover.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. - James Thurber

Dear Team
Over the past one month we have been working together with 3 residential facilities and the Students Care Service in providing social circus workshops to those they served. Andrea our colleague, seconded from Cirque du Soleil for the period found it a very rewarding experience as the 70 children, youths and parents participated with much enthusiasm.  She was also very grateful for the sincere effort put in by our ‘colleagues’ from these organisations in making the programme a success. She was impressed by how they literally rolled up their sleeves to support the young people under their care. As a guest in our country she was indeed heartened to see such dedication from the helping professionals wherever she worked.

At Grace Haven and the Muhammadiyah Welfare Home, the supervisors initially did not quite know what to expect. During the first session, they attended in office attire but instead of excusing themselves, they rolled up their sleeves and their pants, sat on the floor and joined in enthusiastically with whatever the residents were required to do. They seized the opportunity to jump out of their position of authority and to simply be one of the boys. Their boys appreciated their gesture and together they had great fun that would have gone some way in strengthening the staff-resident relationships. At the Canosiaville Children’s Home, the nun-in-charge got out of her habit and was a constant source of encouragement to the parents who were there with their children. Her participation reassured the parents that it was perfectly okay and even beneficial to express their anxiety and discomfort in front of their children. One father who did not participate during the first session came back for the following session after being infected by this nun’s enthusiasm.

On our end, more than 80 young people benefitted from Andrea’s workshops and we are glad that because we shared this valuable resource more than 150 service-users benefitted. In our sector, the needs always outweigh resources but by sharing and pooling resources, the whole is often more than the sum of its parts. It was not just the young people who benefitted but our staff too was energised by the new friendships with their peers from the other organisations and they are already talking about further opportunities for collaboration.

Ours Is the business of giving, pray we do not hoard what we have from going to those in need.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

When we share -- that is poetry in the prose of life. ~ Sigmund Freud

Dear Team
The Streetwise Run turned out to be a cosy and heart-warming affair. There were a total of 2232 participants of which 1437 were runners. In line with the management protocol for H1N1, 4000 participants did not show.   However,  we were glad that students from 10 schools decided to show up on their own initiative anyway. These students were competing,  performing or volunteering and they told us it was something meaningful they did not want to miss.

After, hosting a 10 000 crowd for the last 4 years, we felt a little ‘too free’ this year. Thus, we took the opportunity to spend more time minglinging with the guests, participants and their families. Here are some meaningful moments that I would like to share:

· Firstly, Jimmy whom I wrote about last week came in 2 nd.  He fulfiled his promise to make his father proud.

· A 14 year old who missed last year’s run because he was running away from the authorities promised to come in among the top 10 to express his gratitude to his youth worker for getting him out of trouble. He did so.

· Another 14 year old who surprised everyone especially her father when she went on stage to collect her prixe. No one knew that she had been training on her own and her father was so proud that he was trying not to cry.

· This same gril introduced herself to me after  coming down stage. I could not recognise her but she told me that about 10 years ago, she attended a live-in family therapy programme I had conducted.

· Several parents were waiting at the finishing to give their children  high fives and  hugs when they crossed the finishing line.

· Our Sports Ambassador, Alexander Duric joined the children on their run to encourage them after flagging them off.

· A runner sponsor who ‘insisted’ on meeting the children in the sun where they were warming up instead of in air-conditioned comfort ar the VIP reception.  This was because he wanted to be with the children in their ‘environment’. To him, it was youth day and they were the real VIPs.

· Finally, the cheering at the prize giving ceremony was in no way dampened by the wet weather. It was Youth Day alright.

Funds wise, we have collected $246,514.95 and are expecting approximately another $30, 000 from donation cards. With a little luck we could hit $300, 000.  All these funds will go directly towards our programmes that will benefit at least 10 000 persons which include children, youths and their families. For me, this year’s run was indeed smaller but by no means was it less meaningful.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

"We were born to unite with our fellow men, and to join in community with the human race." - Cicero

Dear Team
Jimmy was by his father's bedside everyday for the past 3 weeks. His father was is hospital and was only discharged back home 2 days ago. Jimmy was very concerned about his father's health and he wanted his father to know that he cared. So each day, Jimmy started a conversation with his father. He shared about his friends, his adventures and misadventures, his life in school, his experiences at Beyond and his interest in running. This Sunday, Jimmy will run competitively and he aims to make his father proud by being among the top finishers.

Jimmy is now 17 and undergoing studies at the Institute of Technical Education. 3 years ago, he came to us as a puny teenager who had to be placed on the Streetwise Programme because of the undesirable company he hung out with. Although he was small, the size of the fight in Jimmy matched his peers. No one stepped on Jimmy and often we had to intervene to ensure no one got unnecessarily hurt when someone did. While on the Streetwise Programme, Jimmy got linked to the adidas running programme and soon he discovered that to be recognised, he did not have to outfight everyone, he simply had to outrun them.

His school noticed the difference and soon he was on the school running team. His Vice-Principal told me that she was really impressed with how Jimmy's schoolwork was getting back on track and as a result, arranged for us to speak with her teachers about our work. Jimmy completed the Streetwise Programme successfully and we let him get on with his life as we focussed on the new intake for the Streetwise Programme.

A year ago, Jimmy called us up sounding really troubled. He had been linked to various contraband items and the police were likely to press charges.

Thankfully, we were able to divert him away from court proceedings and Jimmy got another chance at keeping his life on track. In every sense, Jimmy was lucky and he refocused his energy on running. Today, he trains with Singapore's first ultra marathon champion and does not run away from the rigorous training that is dished out.

So is Jimmy really out of harm's way? Well we hope so but we won't say so.

Young people no matter how hard they try may simply lack the resources within them to deal with complex situations that bring forth choices and decisions that have drastic longer term consequences. The mistakes they make are part of a learning process that reveals their need for adult nurturance, guidance and acceptance. As adults we need the patience and commitment to deal with this need of theirs. Perhaps, we would if it was our child but there are still many young people and their families out there who would need our support and understanding. Let us not be too impatient with their situations; let us try to understand their struggles and not simply get them to toe the line through our laws. If we had Jimmy toe the line, he would not have had the opportunity to learn how to care for his father nor would he be running this Sunday for his father's honour.

The Streetwise Run is our Annual Youth Day Celebration. Besides celebrating the vitality and promise of youth, let us also celebrate the courage and efforts of young people like Jimmy who get up every time they trip because there is still a lot of life to be lived.

See you at the run!
Gerard

"Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings."- Arthur Rubinstein

Dear Team
I was watching the trial run 2 Saturdays ago and just before runners became visible to the cheering crowd at the finish line, every single one would summon whatever energy left in them to complete the race running. No one wanted to cross the finishing line walking. In a way, no one wanted to let down the many people who were rooting for them. We are more likely to bring out the best in people with encouragement rather than punishment. Perhaps like running, life is already punishing enough for those we serve.

It will be the Streetwise Run, our Annual Youth Day Event 2 Sundays from today. This is our 9th Run and preparation for race day has become an important means of engaging the young people we serve. So while we have scaled down the event this year in response to the difficult economic climate, we have kept the competitive runs for young people going. There will be no electronic timing system though and it will be back to the use of hand-held stop-watches. It will be a modest event but no less significant for the children and youths who have been in preparation the last 4 months.

It has also been turning out to be a very significant event for those of us who have been putting it together. We are very heartened by the loyal support from 'old' friends and the way our community has come together in small but significant ways to get the event going:

* A lady who lives above our office came by with 2 packets of nougat to cheer up our volunteers and staff who have been preparing signboards;

* A member of the public made a donation and will also be baking muffins and cookies for our families who are attending the event;

* Various restaurants who will be feeding our volunteers, families and staff on race day with packed meals;

* Donation of trash bags and carton boxes which are always essential for an event of our size;

* Outfits and shoes for all our children and youths;

* Water bottles for the participants;

* The purchase of isotonic drinks and bananas for participants;

* A new website and online registration system;

* A donor upon receiving our appeal letter rallied all his business associates and friends via email to support us;

* Another who decided to visit us to learn how else he could contribute as "writing that cheque was the easy part";

* Yet another donor whose contribution came with a bright home-made personalised note of encouragement.

The above are just some of the little gestures and contributions that have come from different organisations and individuals who responded immediately when they learnt of our need. I am glad to report that to date $252 000 in donations for our programmes have also flowed in. A significant contribution of $100 000 is from PSA Corporation Ltd, an 'old' friend that has stood by us since 2005. Also, although 1000 runners have dropped out as a precautionary move against the H1N1 flu pandemic, 3000 runners have continued to hang in there barring the worsening of the flu situation.

On behalf of those we serve, I want to express our deepest gratitude to everyone who has contributed. All the same, we could do with more support.

So it is not too late to sign up as a runner or to get your friends to do so

: ) . Visit www.streetwiserun.sg <http://www.streetwiserun.sg/>

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

"In a world filled with hate, we must still dare to hope. In a world filled with anger, we must still dare to comfort. In a world filled with despair, we must still dare to dream. And in a world filled with distrust, we must still dare to believe." -

Michael Jackson

Dear Team
There is a hotel in town that has been a wonderful corporate volunteer. Their employees are always so happy to meet our children and are genuinely responsive to their needs. Whenever our children are invited to their events, they can look forward to their favourite food which they have 'ordered' in advance. Also, the younger ones can be sure that there will be child-friendly cutlery so that they do not have to fumble when it is time to tuck in. Our children and their parents always return from this hotel’s events feeling like very important people. Besides extending their excellent hospitality and hosting various activities, their chefs have come by to help us improve our cooking skills so that our children have tastier meals.

Despite knowing that this hotel has been a good friend, we were a little apprehensive when we had to meet their management team this week.  Last year, during an event some of our children posed for a photograph with a cheeky smile and a finger pointing in a most inappropriate fashion. It was a rude gesture and understandably these volunteers took offence. At that time, the volunteers felt that our children did not appreciate the effort they had put in. True enough, as we entered the meeting, a file with the correspondence surrounding the incident was on the table. Oops… we found ourselves swallowing a little.

The incident was indeed raised but it was spoken about as an important mutual learning experience for the hotel and us. We thanked the hotel for bringing the incident to our attention as such honesty strengthens our partnership.  It also created an important learning opportunity for the children concerned and highlighted that we could improve our teaching of appropriate social behaviours.  I remember that to put things right, these children sent the Hotel an apology letter and they also came by to apologise to me. Although it was an unfortunate incident, it was definitely an important lesson for these children.  I guess what is often said about our mistakes being our teacher is so true.

We are really heartened that this hotel will remain committed to supporting our work. At the meeting, they offered employment opportunities for those we serve as well as the use of their premise to run our music and art activities. Their employees will continue to meet our children regularly and I guess the icing on the cake is a proposed year-end event where the entertainment will be a collaborative effort between their employees and our children.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

"Volunteers polish up the rough spots in our communities." - Alice Sandstrom

Dear Team
“Just because there are a few cracks on the floor, it does not mean that your house is coming down. The foundation is still strong and maybe you want to patch up the cracks with some cement.” This was perhaps the only “counselling” we did during a 2-day retreat we organised for a couple with 3 very young children.  Upon hearing this, the couple got up from the dinner table and told us they were going for a walk to sort things out.

During the past 6 months, this family struggled with the care of their 3 young children, a chronic illness, employment and relationship difficulties. Despite the ups and downs, they stuck together and battled on. We noticed that the battling took a toll on their relationship and suggested that we could put together a programme for husband and wife to spend some quality time together. After some initial apprehension, they both told us that a break from their daily routine would be great. However, the wife warned us that she would walk out of the programme if it vaguely resembled the counselling that she is so accustomed to but detested deeply.

2 of our colleagues had put together a candle-light dinner for the couple but the candles were blown out in a huff.  Our colleagues were quite surprised when the wife approached them seeking assistance with the argument she was having with her husband at the dinner table.  One of them went over to the table while the other continued to keep their children occupied. After their walk, the couple came back hand in hand and continued with the programme which was to catch a Hindi movie with their children.

The following morning as they were making their way back home, they told our colleagues that it was the best programme anyone had done for them. Life had been really difficult and they had forgotten what it felt like to be happy as a family. They realised that much effort had gone into giving them this positive experience and they were really thankful. We felt appreciated but also a little sad that an overnight stay at our modest facility was luxury for this family.

The standard intervention for strained family relationships would be counselling or what we would call a ‘talking’ cure. While it is true that the quality of talking often determines the quality of one’s relationships, how the talking happens is important. For example, this couple went for a walk to have a talk. For this retreat, our colleagues built the programme on the bedrock of a ‘doing’ cure. Utilising the expertise gained from their recent training in Adventure-Based Experiential Learning, they created a sequence of activities called adventure waves that built upon each other. These adventure waves included a session when the parents played with their children at a pool, a quiz for the couple to ‘test’ how much they knew of each other, individual coaching on writing a love letter, shopping for a meaningful small gift for each other and the ‘infamous’ candle-light dinner. Although the wife insisted that she would walk out if we started talking, this process actually enabled us to have several meaningful debriefs and conversations with her active participation.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Dear Team
“I am not give up of Ben!” the 25 year old mother whom we spoke about last week uttered forcefully.  She wrote this statement boldly on a piece of mahjong paper as we asked her the one thing she really wanted to do was.  “I can take care of Ben!!” she further exclaimed. We invited this mother to spend Saturday afternoon with us at our children’s home as we thought that she would find comfort and some peace being close to the beach and the parks. She had been given another 3 months to prove to the Child Protection Service that she can competently care for her 3 year old. The boy had been kept away from her since January when a household accident landed him in hospital.  

So far, this mother has failed to convince the authorities that she can attend to her child’s needs. She knew that she needed help if she were “to pass this exam” and believed that we sincerely wanted to help her. So without any hesitation, she accepted our invitation and spent more than 5 hours with us. Previously, we held several child rearing lessons in her home and although she always demonstrated her competency in our presence, she could never seem to convince the authorities when we were not with her.

Last Saturday, instead of plunging into the practicalities of parenting and child care methods, we decided that it would be more important for us to listen to her life story, her journey thus far.   It proved to be really helpful as if gave us much insight into why she could not present herself favourably to the authorities. She recalled a painful childhood where she struggled in school and eventually left pre-maturely when her parents broke up. She shared that she found the English language challenging and always felt insecure and inferior when she had to use it.

Her interviews with the authorities regarding her son Ben were conducted in English and she felt like she was once again a student in front of very strict teachers. Hence, she found it extremely difficult to come up with the right answers. We then asked her why she never showed up at the hospital as requested by the authorities because the conclusion drawn was that she did not care. “I don’t like see Ben pain. They want me put medicine on Ben. I scared,” was her reply. When we are working with the authorities, we cannot dispute observed facts but where appropriate we must let them hear the voices of those we serve.

In response to her expressed difficulties with language, we decided to have her express her wishes and wants in a drawing. She took on the task seriously and created a picture which was titled “Future of Hope” or in Mandarin as she wrote it “Wei Lai Xi Wang”. As she explained her picture, we learnt that her priority was for Ben to have a good education.    She also wanted to ensure that Ben was receiving quality child-care before she pursues her dream of enrolling for courses that would qualify her to work as a beautician.  It was also very clear from her picture that she could not imagine a life without Ben.

As people in the service of others, our most basic tool must be our ability to believe in the good within those that come our way. When this good is not immediately visible, it is our job to find out why and to coax it out. Often, it is the ‘little big things’ that reassure people they matter. This mother was all smiles, radiant and full of life when we surprised her with a birthday cake at the end of the day.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

If you educate a man you educate a person, but if you educate a woman you educate a family. – Ruby Manikan

Dear Team
3 of our colleagues had to prevent a father of 4 children from climbing off a parapet in his distressed state of mind. His wife has filed a Personal Protection Order against him and he felt that his whole world had come crashing down. Thankfully, our colleagues managed to contact his parents who succeeded in calming him down.  Another team was with a 25 year old mother who was crying continuously in the privacy of her own home when she learnt that she was not allowed to be reunited with her 3 year old son who was in foster care. In a brief moment of empowerment, she questioned rhetorically, “How am I going to put into practice what I have learnt when my son is not allowed to be with me?”

In both situations we needed to offer hope but what is hope? I would say that we bring hope when we are able to convince those we support that we have a story of their lives that they believe is a lot more attractive then the one they currently experience or believe in. However, I would like to emphasise that ‘story telling ‘is not about having a glib tongue or a repertoire of pat answers. It is about discovering the assumptions and values among stakeholders that maintain the problem and finding ways how these stakeholders can help create a possible story that brings hope to the distressed. In other words, we need to have the ability to describe how a present problematic situation can turn out satisfactorily in the near future and to bring together the appropriate partners, resources and support to get there.

Come to think of it, whether it is the safety of a child or a failed family relationship, problem solving has to be more than an ‘either or’ decision. It is precisely an ‘either or’ thinking that prompted that father of 4 to attempt suicide.  Sadly, ‘either or’ is a common mode of thinking that guides behaviour as it is neat and demands less work.

The Children’s Guild Inc in Baltimore speaks of the Principle of Courage that is needed in our work. They say that courage is “the act of making one’s self vulnerable enough to face the unknown and to be open to struggle. Courage is to risk making bad decisions.”   A strong statement that needs to be pondered upon as our different teams go into their half-yearly programme review beginning Monday.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

“Good decisions come from experience and experience comes from bad decisions.”  - An old adage.
 

Dear Team
At the beginning of the year, we were introduced to George a 15 year old described to us as having serious mental health issues.  His aunt was concerned that despite receiving medical attention, George was violent at home and the family felt terrorised. During our first few meeting with the family, we asked the family what they believed was the cause of George’s violent behaviour. They told us that it was a medical condition but as we continued talking, we realised that the Institute of Mental Health had given George a clean bill of health.  Also, the parents were quite certain that IMH will not want to admit George again.  Yet, in the absence of other logical explanations, the family continued to believe that George was mentally ill.

How people’s problems are framed determines the type of intervention or support plan that is necessitated. Sometimes, the problem definition is so ‘powerful’ we do not forget it even when it is no longer relevant. Sadly, that keeps us stuck and keeps us from working productively on the real issues. One reason we hang on to an irrelevant diagnosis is that we do not have the creativity, expertise or energy to work through the issue. To prevent ourselves from feeling incompetent, we say it is someone else’s job. To prevent us being deemed lazy, we frame it within something that we think we can act upon. For example, George can be described as a pre-delinquent who needs to be punished. We then go about using the law or devising punishment methods or consequences and then believe we would have done our duty after administering these consequences. Come on,  we would have failed miserably in our duty if the person we proclaim to be helping is badly hurt or even damaged as a result.

When we met George, he struck us as a timid young boy who was awkward in a social situation. It must have taken a lot out of him to physically terrorise his family; we thought to ourselves.  However, it appeared that there was something happening within his household that triggered him into the HULK. Thus, our job was to discover and remove that trigger. The detective work took a while and in the interest of safety, family members had to leave the household at times. We involved a friend from another helping agency for violence issues and we found ways to keep in touch with George when he locked himself in his room Ok,  I must admit MSN has some use : ).

Today, I learnt that George has registered himself as a volunteer for the coming Asian Youth Games and the upcoming Singapore Youth Olympic Games. He also told us that he will definitely go back to school next year as he has had enough rest : ) and apart for one slip-up, he has been violent free the last 6 months.  What also pleased me was the smile on our colleague’s face as she related the information to me.  As I supported her with George’s situation, I could see that the ups and downs took a toll on her but she hung on simply because George and his family mattered. I am convinced that a goldmine of methods and resources to help those we serve exist but we can only access it only if we truly believe in the potential of those we serve and are willing do whatever it takes to bring it out.  To care is to struggle.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Caring is not to prevent struggle or pain but to assist in guiding children and others to understand painful experiences and draw meaning from them.  -  Andrew L Ross, Gary Grener, Frank J Kros

Dear Team
5 children and their parents who were living in a tent by the beach were nowhere to be found when we visited them. The youngest were a toddler and an infant and we were quite concerned that living by the beach for a prolonged period would not be an ideal situation for them.  After contacting the father by phone, we learnt that he had met with an accident and was unable to walk.  However, because he was injured, his younger brother managed to convince his mother-in-law and wife to house his entire family. It was a flat with only one bedroom and it was quite a squeeze for everyone so it may be quite a challenge for the goodwill to last.

Anyway, when we continued speaking with the father, we learnt that 3 other organisations were aware of his situation. With the help of the Family Service Centre in the area, we arranged for all helping agencies to meet. Sometimes, when so many agencies are involved with one family there is a tendency to jump to the conclusion that there is a duplication of services and all but one should pull out. Perhaps, it would be more accurate to conclude that not one agency can fully support the needs of a homeless family with young children.  Thus, our role is always to work in a way that brings about a collaborative effort that benefits the family. Another way of looking at it is that such a family has the good fortune of having so many agencies looking out for them. Then, why take away their good fortune by restricting them to only one agency?

Without openness, maturity or the relevant skills, working collaboratively can be cumbersome. Hence, helping agencies (including ourselves) tend to guard our turfs. When this happens, energy that could have been spent on improving the family’s situation is wasted and we also deny the family new possibilities that emerge when agencies pool their resources. Hence, we are very grateful for the collaborative spirit during our recent inter-agency meeting and the helpful resources we provided the family. One critical factor that facilitated the collaboration was the voice of the family which anchored all helping agencies to the purpose of being there.

At the meeting the younger brother explained that he may not be able to house his elder brother’s family much longer because he was losing his authority as head of household. That authority was gradually being shifted to his mother-in-law because he had just lost his job and she was now the sole breadwinner. When agencies heard this it was evident that getting the younger brother employed would be a priority and one agency has already gotten him a job interview to attend. Another agency placed the father on a work skill upgrading programme so that he would get a better paying job while the family service centre in the area agreed to provide concrete support such as food and financial assistance and advocacy for housing.

When agencies collaborate to serve one family it is not wastage of resources but often better outcomes are achieved faster and the family is served more effectively.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

‘If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.’

— George Bernard Shaw

Dear Team
Every time an under-supported and over stressed family comes our way, let us remember what a privilege it is that they have allowed us to share a part of their lives for a while. Even though they may be accustomed to having social services in their lives, I assure you that people want to be self-sufficient. It is embarrassing to be asking for a hand-out and often welfare recipients deal with their embarrassment by rationalising that the hand-out is an entitlement. Of course, when they do that they disappoint the givers.  In response, givers may start to question if these people really want to help themselves in the first place or are they abusing the goodwill and generosity extended to them?

Kathy left her 2 teen-age children in the care of their step-father and moved in with her widowed father to care for 4 of her youngest sister’s children. Her younger sister, a single parent had ‘disappeared’ once again and Kathy observed that this happened when parental responsibilities became too overwhelming for her sister.  This week, we also discussed another family.  Nancy, a single mom is caring for a 2 year old niece because the niece’s parents are incarcerated. Nancy also has 3 children living with her and her entire household income is a $400 welfare cheque. Both Kathy and Nancy would need a welfare cheque to get by and many more cheques for some time into the future too. Thus, they get classified by helping agencies as being welfare-dependent, not self-sufficient or not motivated to work.

If we really want to be helpful to Kathy and Nancy, we need to see that they are working very hard at being a ‘self-sufficient’ family.  They want the children in the family to remain in the care of the family. They do not want their children’s upbringing dependent on some welfare home. Ironically, holding on to a full-time job may not allow them to achieve ‘family self-sufficiency.’ Yet, when looking at such situations, helping agencies tend to take the pat approach of securing employment for the likes of Kathy and Nancy and withholding the welfare cheque if they do not comply. Are such strong arm tactics in the spirit of helping or giving? What will happen to the family as a whole when Kathy and Nancy go to work? Is it really so wise to rush them into employment?

In such situations, the fastest way to a destination may not be the shortest distance between 2 points. Getting a job always appears as the fastest way for self-sufficiency but when Nancy and Kathy have other valid priorities, they may even throw the kitchen sink at us to keep us away. When such barriers are in the way or when such a fight is started, how can we ever establish a helping relationship where we can work on shared goals?

Whenever I come across a Nancy or a Kathy, it never amazes me how these people find the strength to get on with it. Many keep their sense of humour about them and it is always a joy when helping professionals like us get the raw end of their sharp and wicked wit :)  Thus, I am always curious how they have come so far. Their tumultuous life experiences are a vast reservoir of learning experiences to draw from when facing life’s ongoing challenges. Their stories are those of resilience and the strength of the human spirit. Heaven forbid that we ever rob these riches from them.

Enjoy your weekend
Gerard

Very often great and beautiful things are difficult to discover. Gold is buried under layers of rock. Pearls are hidden in shells lying in the debris at the bottom of the ocean. We have to work to find them. The challenge for all of us is to search for greatness in the most unlikely places. – Muhammad ‘I am the greatest’ Ali

Dear Team
On Wednesday, with the kind assistance of the Singapore Prisons Service, we arranged for 28 elderly folk and their minders from NTUC Elder Care to spend an afternoon with 15 of our boys in the Reformative Training Centre.  This endeavour is part of the Restorative Care Programme we offer to 30 inmates where they begin to re-establish ties with the community while incarcerated. Community Involvement is a component in our ‘through-care’ programme where inmates are prepared for reintegration into their community and families from Day One of their incarceration.

For security and the majority of reasons that Prisons exist, getting prisoners to perform Community Service is always a challenge and we are very grateful that the Singapore Prisons Service fully supports our efforts to inculcate a sense of generosity among them. We believe that showing consideration for others and making the effort to brighten someone else’s day can be a mutually rewarding and strengthening experience. When people realise that they make a difference in each other’s lives, they realise that no matter what their difficulties or situation, they matter to someone else even though it is only for a few hours.

Our boys have been preparing for this event for about 2 months. They made sure that when their elderly guests arrived, they felt welcome. A drab training room was brightly decorated and music was playing in the background. Just outside the room, a sumptuous buffet was awaiting. Interestingly, the boys introduced themselves as volunteers from Beyond as they greeted their guests. The elderly and our boys hit it off immediately. After entertaining the elderly with their repertoire of songs, the elderly returned the favour by showing off their line dancing moves. Spontaneously, our boys joined in and pardon the cliché but it was like a scene out of Jailhouse Rock.

During refreshments, our boys and the elderly were actively in conversation and it was clear that the afternoon was special for both. They were leaning towards each other attentively listening to what each other had to say. The smiles, the nods, the pats on the back made it seem like a meeting of old friends. When it was time to say goodbye, the guests had the last word. In an impromptu farewell speech, they thanked our boys for a wonderful afternoon, assured them that their families and society have not forgotten them and looked forward to them returning the visit when they got out.

Prisons exist for 5 purposes: 1. To punish in the hope that the suffering will change behaviour; 2. To exact revenge on behalf of members of society who have been harmed, 3. To segregate or isolate dangerous people so as to protect regular folk; 4. To deter regular folk from becoming dangerous and finally 5. To rehabilitate.  When 4 out of 5 reasons have nothing to do with our recent endeavour, we have to applaud the Singapore Prison Service for going out of their way to enable us to get our programme running. Kudos also to our Restorative Care Team for reassuring the young and old that  “Life is to be lived now, not in the past, and lived in the future only as a present challenge.”(A Principle of the Re-Ed Approach)

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

The degree of civilisation in a society can be judged by entering its prisons. – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Dear Team
“This mother’s idea of care and stability may be different from ours” a colleague reminded all of us as we tried to find a way of ensuring that Sarah’s  pre-schooling children were not neglected (AWB – 0910).  Over the past 2 months, Sarah had been placing her children with different acquaintances by promising them that she will provide a sum of money for their care.  These arrangements always broke down because Sarah could never fully fulfil her side of the agreement. Hence, the children were moved from one household to another.  We arranged temporary accommodation for her but she moved in one night and left the following morning, preferring to rough it out in public areas. Our facility is just like a prison she says.

This morning in Court, Sarah offered the custody of her children to her ex-husband after both parties agreed that the children will be cared for by a brother-in-law who had a home deemed by her to be conducive for her children. Sarah would visit her children at least once a week. We have never really been able to gain Sarah’s trust to the extent of establishing a helping relationship and could never figure out her plans. With our eyes on the well-being of her children, we blinded ourselves to her well thought through plan for the longer-term care of her children. Only after the proceedings in court this morning could we see what Sarah was trying to achieve all this while by her seemingly ‘irresponsible’ behaviours.

After spending half her life incarcerated, Sarah wanted her freedom. She realistically knew that being a Sunday mom was the best that she could be. However, she also wanted her children to have as normal a life as possible. Hence, she avoided the professionals and authority figures like us as far as possible because she was well aware that we had the power to keep her children institutionalised for a long time. She knew what it meant to be institutionalised and it was definitely not something she wanted for her children. By placing her children with different acquaintances, she was buying time to have her day in court. With the children physically with her, she was in a better position to negotiate with her ex-husband and to appeal to the Court to endorse her choice of the long-term care-giver for her children.

After having been excluded from society it is understandable why she is finding it so hard to trust once again. She does not trust herself as a mother nor does she trust people like us who are trying to help her become a better mother. “How can a system that has inflicted so much pain on me now claim that they want to nurture me? How can a system that has made me lose my self-confidence now say that they trust my ability? These people don’t know what they are doing, these people don’t know me.”

Sarah may have lost her ability to trust others, her ability to be a full-time mother but she never lost touch with reality. She always knew what was best for her children in the light of her condition and that of her ex-husband.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

There is an objective reality out there, but we view it through the spectacles of our beliefs, attitudes, and values.  ~David G. Myers, Social Psychology

Dear Team
2 of our colleagues were in a Principal's office having a discussion about a boy who was being referred for residential care when the Principal suddenly shot a question at them which was not quite related to the boy. "Why is it that you have long hair?' she asked our male colleague. In a matter of fact way, our colleague calmly provided 3 reasons.

Firstly to have some balance in his life he had music as a hobby. He elaborated that during his free time, he would sing at events or at a club and the long hair helped him look the part The Principal smiled a little upon hearing this and our colleague continued by adding that secondly, as a youth worker, the way he looked helped put young people whom he was meeting for the first time at ease. Most of the young people meeting him for the first time would have been sent to him because they were in some kind of ’trouble’. Hence, they would often come to the meeting adopting a defensive or even hostile demeanour but upon meeting an 'authority' figure with long hair, they loosen up and their curiosity is evoked which then makes it easier for developing rapport and a helping relationship.

The third reason, our colleague provided was that his appearance serves as a thermometer for the climate of openness in a school. He explained that whenever he walked into a school, he would note how the teachers and other staff treated or looked at him. These impressions would give him some idea of the unspoken concerns of the school that he may have to look out for.  “Oh really?” the Principal replied with mock incredulity and everyone in the office broke into spontaneous laughter. The Principal then explained that she asked because some of her teachers had expressed that they were not comfortable having a man with long hair walk around the school. So in a way, she was quite amused that the third reason had a ring of truth to it.

I am sharing this story not because I support or approve of long hair but I wanted to stress the need for addressing differences and confronting the real issues at hand if we are to be of genuine service to the young people we serve. This Principal and our colleagues went on to have a very meaningful discussion about residential care and the boy concerned. The Principal shared that she was rather troubled when she referred the boy for residential care. She kept questioning herself if she was actually doing the right thing as going into care could actually be more damaging for the boy’s future. Hence, she personally visited Kids United Home and while she was reassured by what she saw, she then wondered if it would be a difficult place for a child to leave since it appeared so comfortable.

Our colleagues were really grateful for the Principal’s insight and genuine concern for her student. She was not simply looking for a quick solution but a wise one that also took into consideration the unintended ill-effects of the proposed solution. As our colleagues discussed the stabilising and healing benefits of a ‘comfortable’ environment, a partnership between the school and us was being forged.  

Often in our attempts to be helpful, we are efficiently referring the people we serve to various professional services; blindly assuming that it would be in their best interest do so or that we are doing our job.  Sure, we should share the load and garner as much support as we can but do honestly reflect if we are really just passing the buck. Our job is about getting people back on their feet and supporting them as they regain their strength and perhaps, learn new ways of doing things. This is a task that requires a fair amount of effort and responsibility if we are to stay the course.

It would also require a huge dose of humility and maturity because we need to respond proportionately to the strand of hair that may occasionally get into our eyes.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible -- the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family – Virginia Satir 
   

Dear Team
As I was guiding a case discussion, it hit me how our vocabulary actually influenced our perspectives and our resultant actions. The person presenting the case described the situation as a mother needing help in managing her child. He added that the mother had a problem because the child did not fear her. What sounded like an innocuous description from a helping professional was actually part of the problem.

Should parents actually be managing their children or should they be guiding, valuing and loving them? Everyday, we leave home for work, perhaps relax or socialise a little after that and eventually return home. A large part of the day is spent at work and without realising it; we carry the practices from the office into our homes. So instead of loving children, we end up managing them. Instead of cultivating a nurturing relationship, we find ourselves instilling fear. If we think about it, most management techniques use a carrot and stick approach. The image of a donkey pulling a cart with a man on it, who is dangling a carrot with one hand and a whip in the other, comes to mind. This is carrot and stick approach. Reward and Punishment like the carrot in one hand and the whip in the other are 2 sides of the same coin.

I am sure we don’t see our children as donkeys but management techniques work. Seduction and fear are powerful tools. However, they would not be tools for helping children to learn what it really means to do the right thing. They show children how to navigate towards incentives and to avoid pain but first, there has to be someone or a system holding a carrot and a stick.  These tools do not directly address children’s moral reasoning ability or their growth towards becoming a caring and responsible person.

Often we go about our work on auto-pilot. When it comes to managing children, systems with clear consequences for misbehaviours are in place. Standard Operating Procedures we call them. A kid who behaves inappropriately is most likely feeling some form of pain but such systems often have consequences where we inflict more pain in the name of delivering a lesson or in the name of fairness.

As helping professionals, our primary tool is the helping relationship which we believe must be a partnership. The answers to problems don’t lie with us; it lies with the people concerned. Each ‘problem’ is a challenge to get things right, a challenge in learning how to adapt and an opportunity for people to work through what life throws at them so that they can live.

Enjoy your long weekend.
Gerard

 It is easy to get angry at a kid and act impulsively. It is equally easy to walk away from behaviours that push us away. Yet those behaviours are silent calls for help. When we listen for the messages and stay in control of ourselves, we begin to make a difference. – Charles D. Appelstein

Dear Team
We accompanied 2 fathers as they showed up in court on different days to sign a Bond of Security for exercising proper care and guidance in respect of their child who has been deemed to be in need of care and protection. By signing this bond, these fathers have promised the Court that they will fulfil the recommendations put forth by the Child Protection Service which include mandatory counselling, contribution towards their child’s maintenance at a secure facility and so forth.  The State is of the view that the fathers’ involvement in their child’s life is critical and so they did what they could to enforce this.  Unfortunately, more often than not, this well meaning intervention when executed through the legal system does not go down well with those signing the bond.

From the view point of these fathers, they had never asked to have their child removed so why are they now compelled to pay for their child’s maintenance in a secure facility. When I spoke to both fathers, they told me that residing in a secure facility is not something they would wish on any child let alone their own. From the State’s point of view, a contribution towards the child’s maintenance would demonstrate a sense of moral commitment on the part of the fathers.  Both the State and the fathers mean well for the children in question but it appears that much effort is now needed to get both on the same page.

An important part of our work is Collaborative Advocacy which works towards creating a balance between the child safety -centric frameworks of the law and the family-centric values of those we serve.  

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

If you punish a child for being naughty, and reward him for being good, he will do right merely for the sake of the reward, and when he goes out into the world and finds that goodness is not always rewarded nor wickedness always punished, he will grow into a man who only thinks about how he may get on in the world, and does right or wrong according as he finds either of advantage to himself.
-Immanuel Kant, Education

Dear Team
We supported Jane (AWB-0908), our 11 year old resident at our home as she went about preparing for a visit by the management of the previous home where she was residing. 6 months ago, Jane left her previous residential programme without saying goodbye. She had been getting into a series of disagreements with her care-givers and so she was moved into foster care and eventually to us.  It was a painful experience for her former care-givers. They were wondering why they could not do better even though they continued to have the best interest of this girl deep within their hearts. For this girl, the positive memories of her previous placement were marred by the unpleasant events leading up to her leaving.

This is a common scenario in Residential Social Work. In their quest for a sense of independence, kids get caught up in power struggles. Independence is encouraged but unpolished methods such as tantrums or rule breaking bring with them consequences that kids never fully anticipate or appreciate. Time and again adults like us make rules or manage situations the way adults would understand. The fact is often kids do not have the maturity to fully comprehend our rules and they get punished for their immaturity.

We felt it would be in the best interest of Jane to maintain a positive relationship with those who had deeply cared for her in her previous residential placement. Her life has been filled with disappointments and it only made sense for her to remember her past with some happiness instead of bitterness wherever possible. Also these people have been and can continue to be helpful resources for her. So we packed our van with our fellow professionals from the other home and drove them over to our place.

As Jane showed our visitors around, they beamed at her proudly. They kept telling her how much she had grown and how well she was carrying herself. They reminisced and laughed about their time together. The cheerful banter continued when everyone was having their refreshments and to our surprise, Jane in a rather grown-up manner declared that she was happy then but this is now her home.  We and our fellow professionals were really glad for her as she seems to have made peace with her past and present.  

It was really a very pleasant afternoon for everyone and when our visitors had to bid goodbye, Jane presented each of them with cookies she had baked placed in a nicely decorated jar and a self-made card expressing her appreciation. Yes, we needed our visitors to tell us but Jane has indeed grown.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Successful living is healing – Carl Rogers

Dear Team
Yesterday we had the privilege of making a short presentation at the 1 st Residential Care Seminar organised by the Ministry of Community Development Youth and Sports (MCYS). Various Homes contributed to the success of the seminar. The Andrew & Grace Home opened the event with a percussion performance; Canossaville showcased their Social Circus Programme, Chen Su Lan Home together with the Counselling and Intervention Unit of MCYS advocated for a more responsive care system; the Moral Home for the Disabled shared how they managed disruptive behaviours gently and Boys Town presented their alternative schooling programme. There was much to learn from these long-time residential care providers. Being in the Residential Service Sector for less than 3 years, our Kids United Home really is the new kid on the block.

On the other hand, being new enabled us to take advantage of the current knowledge guiding the sector when we were designing our programme. Thus,  it was affirming to hear from Professor David Berridge,  the key note speaker that research has shown that smaller homes seem to produce better results and the average length of stay in England is 18 months. Short-term care is very much preferred.

From Day1, our Board and Home Management Committees have been clear that our small-group homes are meant to be short-term stays for its residents. While caring for our residents, we have always worked hard at reintegrating them to their families or natural support networks. This meant that we needed to work collaboratively and in partnership with parents and care-givers. It was this Parent Professional Partnership that we spoke about and we shared some examples how parents and us worked together to problem solve.

An 11 year old girl not long after admission was telling fellow residents that our premise was haunted. She claimed that since she was 6, she has been groomed as the spiritual wife of a deity and this enabled her to see the spirits among us. She was really quite a convincing story teller and other residents were really afraid. So we visited her mother and sought her advice. After hearing what we had to say, she looked at us with a straight face but after 5 seconds, she burst into laughter. We were relieved and started laughing with her. Together with mother, a strategy to manage this 11 year old was devised. We appointed her the resident ‘exorcist’. After a few days, the spirits were gone as this 11 year old needed to be an effective ‘exorcist’ so that she could maintain her position on the pecking order that residents often establish among themselves. We figured that in the first place, this 11 year old came up with such a compelling story so that she would figure higher on the pecking order. So we had to find a way to problem solve without destroying her ‘status’. Such an intervention would never have been possible without the cooperation of the mother. Can you imagine what anyone would think of us if this girl reported to her mother that the Home was haunted and we have assigned her the responsibility to get rid of the ghosts : ).

We also shared about how a 12 year old boy who was furious with his mother was suddenly looking forward to see her when we suggested inviting her over to teach us how to prepare his favourite breakfast. He was also quite proud to know that we would enjoy the lovely Indian pancakes his mother could prepare. We share a couple of other examples but at the end of the day, we were just grateful that despite our limited experience, we had something meaningful to contribute to a very experienced sector.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

“The tendency to blame paretns must be guarded against, especially by young staff who have not themselves experienced the humbling complexities of a parent’s role… However, to accept parents as the true experts on their children is a difficult concept for professional people to learn’  - Nicholas Hobbs

Dear Team
Yesterday, we conducted our first Beyond School Programme at Broadrick Secondary. Beyond School - Serving, Giving, Living is a service learning programme offered to schools that support our cause wholeheartedly. The programme targets Student Leaders such as councillors, prefects, monitors and others with leadership potential so that they can galvanise their entire school to serve.

30 students from 13 to 15 years old, participated actively and we were really impressed with their sense of generosity, their consideration for others and their willingness to work together for the common good.  We provided participants with a scenario of people needing help and got them to portray it in a skit demonstrating what they believed was Respectful Giving. Here is how one group played it out. A single mother was having a meal at a hawker centre with her 2 children and her mother. During dinner, when her children started talking about Portable Play Stations, she burst out in tears that that she had just lost her job. Grandmother immediately told her children that their mother was sad and needed them to be quiet for a while. Grandmother also offered to look after the children if she needed to go job hunting. The skit ended with a hawker who had overheard the conversation coming by to mention that he knew someone who was hiring if mother was interested.

When we asked the group why they did not have the hawker give the family a free meal, they replied that a handout would have been disrespectful and they felt that an opportunity like a job where one could help oneself would be a whole lot more helpful. We were impressed and heartened by how seriously participants reflected on the questions this part of the programme posed i.e. What is help? What is helpful? How can one be helpful?

During a segment where participants had to work towards a win-win partnership, one group came up with a sure-fire solution to assure all other groups that they had the best interest of everyone at heart.  In this exercise groups could make a choice to proceed quickly in their own interest by utilising their ‘weapons’ against the rest or move slower in the interest of everyone. This group assured everyone by ‘disarming’ themselves. They threw away their ‘weapons’ and that convinced everyone else to do so. We have been doing this exercise for years with adults and young people alike and this was the first time we have seen someone come up with a practical solution to forge trust. Kudos for these youths who gave us a lesson in Living.

The day ended with the students drawing up plans how they could be Serving our cause. We will be meeting these students again in 2 weeks time where they will keep us updated of their efforts.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

“A Person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
Albert Einstein  (German born American Physicist who developed the special and general theories of relativity. Nobel Prize for Physics in 1921. 1879-1955)

Dear Team
Last Saturday, a mother whom we have been unable to contact for more than a month, suddenly showed up at the home of a relative and took her 3 children away. She did not want to bother her relatives but more importantly, she felt that her children could be better cared for. As a mother, she wanted better for her children but her relatives were insulted by her actions. They felt that she was implicitly suggesting that they were not doing a good job.

This mother was in the midst of divorce proceedings and as she was not contactable, the only way to meet her was to show up at the court. We were aware that the next court appointment was on Tuesday and so we showed up to find out what happened. She explained to us that she had placed her children with friends who were able to give her children a little more attention. She added that she was fearful that she will not gain custody of the children and wanted them nearby for now.  She came across as someone sincere and determined to be a mother to her children.

At court, this mother and her husband were very civil towards each other and there were even moments of affection. Before the proceedings started, husband and wife had a private conversation about the children. Anyway, as they both wanted custody of the children, they were instructed by the court to engage legal aid. Sadly, divorce proceedings were started because mother was unhappy with the lack of stable accommodation for her children. There were lots of arguments surrounding the issue and in her mind, divorce was a clean break for something better, a break from the all the fights. However, she is now beginning to realise that the fight will continue. This solution has its problems.

After the court hearing, this mother brought us to visit her children. Along the way, we asked her if she really wanted to leave her husband. “Not really” was her quick and immediate reply.  As we spoke with her more, it was clear that the choices she had been making were always in consideration of her children. The temporary shelters she took them too, the care-givers givers she arranged for them and so forth may not have been ideal but it was carried out with her best efforts and intentions. When we finally got to meet the children, the children were indeed looking healthy, clean and happy just as mother had said.

These children had parents and relatives who were trying their best to care for them.  All the care-givers are decent people giving their best but if the custody hearing proceeds, some of them will be made to look less competent or caring so that a decision can be made. The family is now in a system that means well but the needs of everyone concerned may not be met. We will continue to journey with the family and hope that no one, especially the children gets too badly ‘bruised’ by the process.

Gerard   

The object is not see through one another, but to see one another through – Peter DeVries

Dear Team
Alvin is a 15 year old who has been placed on the Guidance Programme since November 08 but he has not been coming regularly. The consequence of being discharged from the programme because of non-cooperation has not fully registered with him. He believes that as long a he stays clear of trouble, the police will not charge him for the offence he had earlier committed. Well, not quite true but the Guidance Programme is a diversionary programme that provides the opportunity for youths like Alvin to put things right and to get their lives back on track. This usually means going back to school or holding on to a job and staying clear of ‘risky’ behaviours. We see our job as helping them to succeed so that they stay clear of the juvenile justice system. Alvin does not fully realise how things can go awfully wrong for him if he does not complete the Guidance Programme.

The challenge for us is getting through to Alvin in a way that he fully appreciates his situation. One may say that at 15, he should know but then our job would be really easy if kids like him always behaved sensibly. It starts by taking the position that if youths are non-cooperative; it is because whatever we are saying or offering is not reasonable or attractive enough from their point of view. From their point of view, we are so different that it is ‘obvious’ we can never understand.  

It is a work in progress to develop rapport and a helping relationship with someone like Alvin and the key is to always keep channels of communication open. During the Chinese New Year period, Alvin was busy with his Lion Dance engagements and so instead of insisting that he showed up at our door step, we sent him our best Chinese New Year greetings via SMS and told him that he had officially been granted Chinese New Year leave. We also conveyed that it was our hope that his Lion Dance endeavours would bring him much ‘prosperity’ and luck.

Yesterday, Alvin came by for a review meeting attended by officials from the Child Welfare Department, the Police Officer in-charged of his case and ourselves. As Alvin is an orphan, the Child Welfare Department was concerned that he was not getting adequate adult supervision. However, as the meeting progressed we learned that Alvin was a key member of a temple and was training to be a medium to its deity. He explained that he had another 10 days to go before the period of cleansing he is undergoing is completed. For the past 20 days, he had not been eating meat and he could not cut his hair.

The police officer then told Alvin that from what he understood about such religious rituals, there must be a way to substitute cleansing rituals. A longish hair style would certainly cause problems in school and perhaps Alvin could consult his elders at the temple. Alvin found it a reasonable suggestion and promised that he would seek the guidance of his temple elders on this matter. The sensitivity and respect offered by the police officer towards Alvin’s religious beliefs brought about a more cooperative tone to our discussions. Alvin shared about how he also had to complete chores in the temple and where he spent his leisure time. The police officer highlighted to Alvin that he should avoid going to some places mentioned if he wanted to stay clear of trouble and instead of protesting, Alvin actually took the advice.

Alvin also shared about his Lion Dance activities and it was reassuring to discover that it was a respectable outfit run by a Police Officer during his leisure time. Alvin did himself a big favour by helping the authority figures in his life better understand who he is. We left the meeting feeling hopeful that Alvin will complete the Guidance Programme successfully. This would not have happened if we had quickly discharged Alvin for his irregular attendance at the Guidance Programme.  Reaching Alvin was always a work in progress and a process that took some time. Sometimes youths like Alvin do not quite fit into our programme structure neatly and in order to be of help to them, we need to adapt our structure for them.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” - Anonymous

Dear Team
As the concluding exercise for the Adventure-Based Experiential Learning Trainers’ Programme, 21 of our colleagues are now on an expedition that will end at Sembawang this evening. I will be going over there to congratulate them for he hard work they have been putting in over the last 7 days. This Certification Programme is accredited by the Potsdam University of Applied Sciences, Germany and our colleagues will now be given a month to apply their new learning to their work and submit a  20 page report on their endeavour before they get their certification.  

At one debrief, participants voiced disappointment that they could not succeed in the preceding exercise. Some were even rather frustrated as they have done the exercise previously and even conducted it as a trainer.  It was evident that failure is not something easy to take and it prompted one participant to comment that although they have served as trainers and are familiar with the learning goals of the exercise, they behaved just like the kids when they are participants. If experienced helping professionals can behave like the kids, then all the more we should let kids be kids, giving them the space to grow in an environment where discipline means teaching rather than punishing.

At the programme, Heckhausen’s model of motivation was highlighted which states that a person’s level of motivation is measured by comparing his Estimation of Success with his Fear of Failure.  If the latter is higher, then Motivation is in the negative.  Some of our colleagues commented that they felt like giving up during the same exercise when they realised that success was not probable.  Humbly, they added that it was an important lesson in empathizing with the kids they serve.

Yesterday evening, Jane’s (AWB – 0849) relatives came by to visit her at the Kids United Home. Jane who openly proclaims that she hates surprises ran into her room the moment she noticed them. Her uncle’s family was looking forward to a “ happy visit” and was initially quite disappointed with the reception she gave them.  As we spoke to Jane in her room, we realised that she was embarrassed to be seen in her “rags’ and wanted to put on something nice for her relatives. Having spent half her life in residential facilities with almost no family contact, such visits which we have been facilitating have become important ‘tests’ for her to win the ‘approval’ of her relatives.  Her relatives laughed off her behaviour when we shared what she told us and soon Jane came out of her room in her favourite or perhaps lucky red Elmo tee-shirt.

The family proceeded to the nearby coffee shop for a seafood dinner and it was heartening to see them nudging Jane to taste the chilli crabs. Jane was fearful of how the crabs looked and started by dipping a piece of bread into the gravy.  When she got going, she declared that that was her favourite dish on the table. When we finished, she even packed the remaining piece and brought it back for supper. During dinner, her aunt suggested to her that she was often in a bad mood because she was frightened and afraid to try new things. She added that if she could learn to trust the people around her, she may find herself having a good time more often “See now you like chilli crab but just now you don’t want.”

Never underestimate the positive influence of the parents and the family.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Without love neither the physical or intellectual powers will develop naturally - Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi

Dear Team
On Wednesday, a 14 year old girl who has been a long-time user of social services did not show up at school like she was supposed to. It was not the first time she had been absent and this was another black mark on her disciplinary record. "When will she ever learn or when will she ever change?" Many of us who serve such children would lament. We may also in good conscience declare that we have given such a child enough chances to stay clear of trouble. Despite the excellent programmes provided for her, she has not improved or changed for the better. Is such a statement from us really helpful for someone whom we are proclaiming to help?

When children are in our care, they are expected to change. Perhaps they will and perhaps they don't need to. What I am absolutely sure though is that it is us, the adults who will grow and change when we come to work for a child-serving organisation.  I would also say that we need to do this if we mean what we say about having children's best interest at heart. 

At another school a 13 year old boy has been absent for 3 weeks and we were told that it was because he has a very irresponsible mother that has left him homeless. So after work,  3 of our female colleagues made their way down to the beauty salon where this mother works and engaged her services. Besides leaving the salon better looking, they also left looking at mother in better light.  Struggling she was but irresponsible she was not. We are now in discussions with the care-giving family of her 13 year old son to see how we may support them. We are also finding a way to break through to this 13 year old boy who told us that no one cares for him. 

As child-serving professionals, it is the children who have given us a sense of purpose, a sense of professional identity and a job. We make a living by being involved in their lives and the least we can do is to see them as people worthy of respect, people who are doing their best to get by and just people like you and me.  During a debrief, a colleague reflected that the problem was not the children but the inability of the systems serving them. Systems who run into difficulties often find it hard to accept it is they and not the children that have to change.

After the debrief, the little passage below came to mind and I thought you may find it meaningful and encouraging like we did.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Many years ago my friend took guitar lessons from David Bromberg, a recording artist and famous sessions player. When my friend entered David's house he heard beautiful music emanating from his guitar. My friend asked, "How do you make those notes on your guitar? I can't make them on mine." David answered, "All the notes you will ever need are already in the guitar, you just have to find them."

Isn't that also true of children? All the answers we will ever need are inside the child, we just have to find them.

Richard L. Curwin

Dear Team
An 11 year old girl called us to inform that her mother needed to go to the hospital. Mom was at home with 4 children and Dad was at work driving a bus. It was pre-term labour and after getting Mom medical attention, we looked after the children until Dad got home from work. The next day, we brought the children  to Kids United Home so that their basic needs were taken care off. They are now home with Mom as her condition has stabilised.

A few weeks ago on new year's eve, the mother of a student we see in school called to say that she had lost her accommodation and was hanging out at  a park. She was worried that her child's schooling would be affected. Within a  few hours, our school social work colleague got her into emergency housing and  her child has not skipped a day of school.

The situation with both of these families are far from ideal but the care-givers continue to give their best and the children continue to live in the shelter of people who deeply care about them. Strangely, by proclaiming the best interest of children, it is also very easy for us to criticise these care-givers and accuse them of being irresponsible towards their children.

To take the best interest of someone into consideration, we have to really listen to what that person wants or the meanings that person attaches to his or her behaviour.  We need to be person centric rather than programme centric. Why is a child roaming the streets at 11 pm with a kitten in hand? I don't know but lets find out. We cannot be helpful unless we really know. Simply saying that such behaviour is not acceptable and proceeding to act on it in a way we deem fit can be really damaging.

Very often children behave in a manner to cope with an emotion, a discomfort or to fulfil a good deed or a responsibility that to an observer would have absolutely no co-relation to their intention. A child who is insecure may be shouting his answers to a question posed by an adult who would likely read such behaviour as disrespect and proceed to discipline the child. The child then concludes that insecurity is a feeling that can be punished and he or she may go on to experience a constant state of anxiety in the presence of adults.  A child in a state of anxiety is prone to further misbehaviours and after a while gets caught up in a vicious cycle of misbehaviours and punishment.

Helping children break out of such cycles is our job and the responsibility of their family or care-givers from their natural support network. We cannot do this job if we constantly view families as irresponsible or to be lacking a moral commitment to their children.   Supporting families is not about getting  them to comply with some standard set up by the helping system or taking over when they cannot.  At points of crisis we may have to step in to take charge in the interest of safety but when the crisis bowls over, it is about supporting them to be the best that they can be.  It is about giving them the opportunity to struggle, to overcome and in the process become strong and resilient.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Never undervalue the blessings of a common man. - Ishmael ben Elisha, Talmud

Dear Team
Last week, our local media reported that there was an average of 93 cases of child abuse each year in the last five years.  However, no clear trend seems to be emerging as the figures vary from year to year.  Our government has said that the Healthy Start Programme is part of a framework that prevent, detect and support children who may be abused. 

We have been operating the Healthy Start Programme since it began in 2002 and we do concur that this has given us the privilege of getting up close and personal with the struggles of families residing in the rental housing areas. Out of the 1000 odd families who have gone through the Healthy Start Programme, we have supported more than 100 families in ensuring that their children are safe and not neglected. This is not a large sample size but enough to humble us into recognising the immense complexity of the situation. 

We will continue to learn and to gain insights but for now the picture that seems to be emerging from our experiences is that families and young people who are described as follows tend to get onto the radar of the Child Protection Service.

a. Over-stressed and Under-supported Families -  Sometimes families who encounter a difficulty that disrupts their routine, find themselves with little support from extended family and friends. Difficulties such as the loss of a job or the sudden departure of a care-giver and so forth. The head of the household would plod on and execute solutions that  become problems in themselves e.g. he may instruct his children to wait for him at the playground while he returns from work. Should a child sustain a serious playground injury, the situation could spiral downhill from there as he would be seen to be a neglectful parent.