Dear Team
We are always filled with mixed feelings when someone whom we have once helped comes back to seek our help again. We always say that as a non-profit social service organisation; we are not a business and unlike a business, we do not seek repeat business.  On the other hand, the challenges life throws up are unpredictable and in times of difficulty, people seek those whom they trust . Thus, the over-arching objective of our work is to always re-integrate our service-users back to their support networks and community where they can give and receive support. 

So with mixed feelings we attended to Joan (AWB - 0631) who returned with baby Nat who of course is no longer a baby but a lively 4 year old who is in pre-school. A few weeks ago, Nat refused to step into school and simply stood at the door. When a  teacher came up to speak to him, he pushed her away with both hands. The school then sent him home.

Home over the past 7 months has been that of a family friend who had offered to care for Nat as Joan could not find accommodation that enabled Nat to be with her. Joan who works as a waitress  found it hard to visit as the only time she had available was from 3 pm to 6 pm when the restaurant closed its doors. Weekends were busiest and so visits to Nat were far and between and Nat was not happy. Besides trouble at school, he would be biting and scratching himself at home and over the last month, he would be having a mild fever in the evening that usually went away in the mornings.

When Nat's care-giver insisted that Joan spent more time with her child, she came to us and we arranged for her to spend a weekend with Nat at our premises. Despite being mostly apart the last 7 months, the mother-child bond never disappeared. From the moment they met, both of them began making up for lost time. After spending the day at a playground, mother and child sat at a table to put together a collage depicting their family. From a pile of magazines, Joan and Nat cut out pictures, text and blended them with the photographs of the day.

Nat's reading ability was of course limited but he waited for his mother's instructions eagerly and enthusiastically cut, pasted and coloured as told. Mother and child worked well as a team and when we saw the completed piece, we figured that mom was trying to explain herself to Nat. The piece was entitled "Confessions of a single mother."  Perhaps in time, Nat will have a different view of what his mother was trying to say to him through the collage but for now, he only saw the happiness they shared that day.

This week Nat's care-giver reported that he has been most cooperative at home and they have had no complaints from his school. He is sleeping well and no longer complains of a mild fever. Nat's care-givers are convinced that the weekend with his mother had made all the difference.  I guess we can never be sure about such things but  mom concurs with Nat's caregivers and has promised to come back with Nat to our premises during her next day off. 

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

A mother's heart is the child's schoolroom. - H. W. Beecher

Dear Team
Little Sasha, 4 years old started off enthusiastically when the Community Run flagged off but after a good 10 minutes, she  stopped and got her mom to carry her. However, every time our cheerleaders were in view, she asked mom to put her down and she ran past them energetically receiving their applause. Sasha did the same at the  finishing line where a crowd gathered to welcome back every runner. Covering 4 km with a  4 year old in one's arms was not exactly easy and mom must have wished that we had more cheerleaders along the route. Little Sasha has reminded us just how important and powerful  a little encouragement can be.

As a group of youths were gathering to leave for the event, Frank's step-mother came by to inform that she could not wake him up. The group went over to Frank's home and within half an hour, Frank was on the bus with his friends. Again, how a little support made all the difference. Running may be simple but it is not easy and as such, the Streetwise Run has been a metaphor for the giving and receiving of support.

Families, teachers and friends were there to support each other and to support the event. We were touched when several youths who have moved on, came back to join the event. Ronnie was one of them who only managed to arrive close to the flag off of the competitive race. He had been caught up with work and could not come by to get his runner tag. Although he did not have a number tag and a timing chip, he decided to race ahead when the horn blared. He was among the first at the finishing line but he told us that his prize was the satisfaction of having supported the event of an organisation that had previously given him so much support.

Roy,11 years old arrived at the run with his mother and younger sister to the delight of his friends who had not seen him for the past 4 months. Roy is currently in a residential programme and he too was very happy to see his friends. When he completed his run, he hung around the finishing line waiting for his younger sister who was doing the  Community Run. When he spotted her, he ran towards her, lifted her into his arms and gave her a big hug. After putting her down, they crossed the finishing line together hand in hand. It was a proud moment for their mother who was cheering wildly together with the other parents. Our colleague who has been supporting this family through their ups and downs described this mother's beaming face as a priceless sight. I guess we too need encouraging moments like that to assure us that we are on the right track.

Finally, I must put on record that the child who was the last runner last year was not the last this year. He was grinning from ear to ear as he was approaching the finishing line to loud applause.  As we congratulated him, we commented to his mother that he had improved tremendously. Her smile said it all.

For the record, there were 4450 participants and to date, $223K in donations have come in of which $100K is from PSA the main sponsor. We estimate that we will eventually reach $300K. Our most grateful thanks to everyone who had contributed to this year's success.
Gerard

We need to be aware of what others are doing, applaud their efforts, acknowledge their successes and encourage them in their pursuits. When we help one another, everybody wins. - Jim Stovall

Dear Team
Firstly, much thanks to  those who helped me seek out a resource person in the online gaming sector.  We have hooked up with the Singapore Cybersports & Online Gaming Association who has been most helpful.

This Sunday will be Singapore's National Youth Day and we will be celebrating at our Streetwise Run for the 10th year running. Over the years, we have joked that the Streetwise Run was the Youth Day Celebration for those who were not be a part of the mainstream celebrations. The cynical may even say that it is a celebration for those who have nothing much to celebrate. How wrong they are!  Life always gives us something to celebrate and the Streetwise Run continues to be an important opportunity for our youths to find something good within themselves that is worth celebrating.

Though only 16 years old, Wendy appears a little tired and pessimistic. 4 years ago, she was the best floor ball player in her school who caught the attention of the national team selectors but that promise fizzled out when she dropped out of school. After leaving our residential facility, she fell out with family and friends who had offered to care for her. She ended up living by her wits and eventually got caught by the police for a minor offence. The police placed her on the Guidance Programme and she returned to our doorstep. It was a challenge for us to help her complete the programme successfully. Not having a permanent address or a  guardian  meant that we were never sure when she would show up. How do we run a programme for someone who is not physically with us?  Nonetheless, after several months and with the support of the police, we eventually graduated Wendy and she was not charged in court.

In the light of her lack of a permanent address and adult supervision, Wendy never thought that she could complete the Guidance Programme successfully and had already braced herself for long term institutional care. So, she took the chance to remain in the community with both hands. After moving around a couple more times, she eventually got back with her family.

A couple of months ago, she told us that she will join the run. Knowing that her fitness level was nowhere near the time she was a floor ball player, her target was simply to beat our colleague who was her Guidance Programme officer. Wendy was positive that this colleague being on the plump side would be no match for her.

At our trial run 3 weeks ago, Wendy was outpaced by our colleague.  "Well at least I beat a few boys!" she defended herself trying to keep her pride in tact but moments later, Wendy and us had a good laugh about  how she had underestimated our colleague. However, we pointed out to Wendy that completing 8.4 km after not doing any sports for 4 years was something worth celebrating. Also, by putting on her running shoes as a way of doing her part for the organisation was another thing worth celebrating.

Since the trial run, Wendy seems to have a renewed zest for life. With lots of free time on her hands, she took up our suggestion to get involved with Civic Life: Tiong Bahru who is producing a short film  by UK filmmakers Joe Lawlor and Christine Molloy tentatively entitled The Market. The film will take part in the Encounters Short Film Festival this November in the UK.  Wendy plays a young girl living with a foster mother coming to terms with a tension she is experiencing within herself. Her foster mom provides her with a life more comfortable than anything she has known but yet she yearns for a harmony within that seems to evade her simply because her current residence is not her home.

We were with Wendy when she got the script a day before filming and were a little taken aback how closely art reflected life...Wendy's life. The filmmakers had no clue about her background and it was a story put together through various conversations they had with residents at the Tiong Bahru Community Centre. Hence, we were a tad concerned that it was too close for comfort for Wendy. We spoke to her briefly about it but the next day when the cameras started rolling,  Wendy was a natural who charmed fellow actors and  the 35 strong crew. When shooting after 2 days ended, the crew warmly congratulated Wendy and the other youths for the fine work they had put in.

The glow on the faces of  Wendy and the other youths, their pride for a job well done and their improved self-esteem are just some the things we will be celebrating this Sunday.

Happy Youth Day and may your day be filled with many reasons worth celebrating!
Gerard

Celebrate the happiness that friends are always giving, make every day a holiday and celebrate just living! - Amanda Bradley

Dear Team
A 12 year old girl who is really competent in Sudden Attack, an online game came to our attention because her life now revolves around her passion. She has stopped attending school, she games into the wee hours of the morning and she leaves her home in a huff and sometimes not returning for a few days whenever her parents try to redirect her back to her studies.  Needless to say, her parents are worried sick and feeling really lousy about their parenting ability.

Helping agencies tend to approach such a situation in 3 ways. Firstly, we see the 12 year as being way out of line and need to be disciplined for her own safety and well being. So we would recommend taking a court order to place the girl on mandatory guidance programme which may eventually include institutionalization. Secondly, we see her as having an illness such as an addiction or a conduct disorder and we recommend appropriate treatment. Thirdly,we see the girl and her parents needing some kind of "family life education." 

Now there is a time and place for all 3 approaches but problem solving cannot only be limited to them. This would be akin to explaining  complex social challenges  by blaming the people we serve for being 'bad', 'sick' or 'uneducated.' In any case if the people we serve realized that this is how we think of them, we are not going to be on friendly terms let alone get very far in developing a helping relationship.

The helping sector has been operating within the parameters of these 3 approaches for a long time and implicitly we believe that the solutions lie within us - the helping professional. You know, we cannot be more arrogant or wrong if we really believe this. We can be a part of the solution but social ills require a societal effort. An important part of our job is to  keep society engaged in a way  that it takes an active interest in our work and finds ways where it can contribute.

Take this 12 year old girl for instance. She will definitely not talk to anyone who considers her "bad", "sick" or "uneducated" but perhaps she may be more open to someone who sees her as one who has taken a different path from her peers. The next time we visit her, we would like to bring a volunteer who makes a living from gaming to come with us or someone who represents our nation in the World Cyber Games. Let me know if you are in contact with someone like that.

So if asked what is the one thing that would make our work easier? It would have to be a concerned society that seeks to understand the challenges faced by those among us who are marginalized. I would think that with understanding comes compassion and generosity of heart. This is not a request to society but a request to the helping sector to realize that we can only make headway into complex social issues such as child protection, teen delinquency, illiteracy, homeless families and so forth if we are able to inform, inspire and involve our society to contribute to solutions for our challenges.

With the Streetwise Run coming up, this is our fund-raising period but besides looking for funds, we are also looking for time, expertise and I guess understanding and support for our work. Thus, I thank you for being on this weekly mailer which I hope has gone some way in giving you an idea of our challenges and that of fellow members of our community who find it hard to live among us.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

"The time is always right to do right"
Nelson Mandela

Dear Team
Our Streetwise Run is 3 Sundays away and  we  could certainly do with more runners. As of today, we have 2310 runners of which 537  are running competitively. Do pass the word around and get more to join us. 

Yesterday, more than 60 youths from different estates we work in came together for a joint training session. To their credit, these young people did not stick to their cliques and mingled well with each other. After the run proper, these young people gathered themselves into different teams for a kick about and it was heartening to see that the teams were not representative of the estate they came from. Later, when refreshments were served, these young people worked together on our manual ice-kachang machines to ensure that every one of them enjoyed a cold syrupy ice-ball. Tomorrow, all our runners will be going on a trial run at 9.00 am and I am glad to note that those of us who are not caught up with work will be there to support our young people. 

Support is something all of us could have a little more off. However, helping professionals are often weary about the amount of support to render fearing that we will be cultivating dependency. So we create protocols and guidelines to ensure we remain objective and stay true to "getting  people to learn to fish." Such efforts are well intended but the resultant effect often is that helping becomes something that is done from a distance. At best this type of professional distance removes the human touch and ironically, it hinders authentic problem solving that helping professionals believe we are attempting. However, support is also not just about us jumping into a problem quickly but also about keeping a respectful distance.

Brenda's (AWB- 1021) 2 young children were with us when we received a call that their mother's condition at the hospital was critical. While it would have been easy for us to send them to the hospital, we contacted their father to do so. It was a very difficult and confusing time for the family but we were mindful that the  most helpful and respectful support we could give was simply to let the family work through the difficult period in their own way and in their own time. We watched respectfully from a distance as the father guided the children to bid goodbye to their mother in accordance to their cultural traditions. 

After the funeral, father contacted us to ask for support. As someone who was working long hours at the port, he wondered how he could adequately care for his children. We then accompanied him as he approached 3 of his neighbours for their assistance. To his relief, none of his neighbours turned him down. Even an elderly couple with one spouse who needed to move around on a wheelchair,  opened their home to his children. These neighbours were expecting nothing in return except for the satisfaction of knowing that the children were cared for. Such unconditional goodwill can never be replicated by a professional helping system. 

Standing with  father as he spoke to the neighbours, we heard these neighbours speaking fondly of Brenda and reminiscing about her generosity. One neighbour related how Brenda would bring her favourite "squid cooked in black ink" whenever she noticed that she was having a rough day. They had also noticed how Brenda had offered her home to others in need and felt that they were now duty bound to do whatever they could for her children.

It is going to be going to trying for the family as they learn to cope without Brenda but the outpouring of support from people around them has given father strength. He has asked us to let him organize a surprise birthday party for his son at our premises next weekend. The children remember our  premises as the last time they had a very happy time with their mother. We now have to support father as he builds on this happy memory. 

Wishing you a restful weekend.
Gerard

We can work together for a better world with men and women of goodwill, those who radiate the intrinsic goodness of humankind - Wangari Maathai

Dear Team
20 participants from 12 different organizations (including ourselves)  completed a Social Circus Trainer Workshop conducted by Andrea Ousley from the National Institute of Circus Arts, Melbourne today. With the support of Cirque du Soleil, a partner-in-service, we had the honour of hosting this rewarding learning experience which began on Monday.  The new friendships that fellow participants have found are now a potential resource for further mutual learning and inter-agency collaboration. Most importantly, they are an important resource for the well being of the young people and families we serve as the skills acquired from this workshop are meant to serve a social purpose.

By hosting this workshop, opportunities were created for parents and young people to showcase their strengths and to give back to the community. Refreshments for the entire workshop were prepared by the parents of the young people we serve. In the spirit of inclusiveness, these parents contributed to a different cuisine each day that reflects Singapore's multi-ethic culture. Participants were also waited upon by our children and youths who made sure that tables were cleared and the cutlery was spick and span. These parents and young people can stand tall as participants had nothing but praise for the pride they took in their work. 

While participants were exposed to circus arts, this was not a circus skills workshop. It was a workshops aimed at getting participants skilled and confident in managing a group of youths and facilitating important conversations among them. Learning was not just the taking in of new information but also the processing of the experience from within. One participant shared that  the exercises got him thinking that be needed to be communicating better with the people in his life. He had a nagging feeling that others had a lot to tell him about himself but he had avoided listening.

Another related how he was just about to let go during a pyramid building exercise. He was part of a team attempting a circular pyramid when participants opposite him fell. His immediate reaction was to stop supporting his side of the the pyramid and start all over again but because the others around him did not let go, he continued to hold steady with much effort. Soon he found himself joining others who were encouraging those who fell to reorganize themselves. Realising that their team-mates were holding on for them, those who fell acted with urgency and the pyramid stood.

After the pyramid building exercise, it hit this participant that his experience summed up an aspect of social work quite nicely. Serving others is sometimes disappointing and there will be many a time we feel really weak but if we perservere in reaching out to strengthen others, we will eventually regain our strength. We should always be grateful to those we serve because by strengthening others, we strengthen ourselves.

For the record the organizations represented at the workshop were the Association of Muslim Professionals, Beyond, Canossaville Children's Home, Care Community Service, Children At Risk Empowerment Association, Club Bilya, Muhammadiyah Welfare Home, Pertapis Bukit Batok Boys' Hostel, Teen Challenge, We Care Community Services, Yayasan Mendaki and Youth Guidance Outreach Services.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.  ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dear Team
Ida is a 29 year old single parent awaiting a 2 year prison sentence for consumption of a controlled drug. Ida is also a foreigner who has very little support from Singaporean friends or relatives.   The one thing she desperately wants to put in place before beginning her prison sentence is the long-term care and supervision of her 3 young Singaporean children. She was worried that if they were placed in care, the chances or her ever seeing them again would be slim as she will be barred from re-entering Singapore for 5 years upon completing her sentence.

The situation looked bleak as her husband was also recently incarcerated and she had difficulty contacting his side of the family. Placing the children with her husband's extended family remains an option but in view of her reparation we advised her to appoint a trustworthy person to be the legal guardian for her children. We will be helping her with this arrangement.

Ida found it difficult to focus as we explored with her a possible trustworthy person whom she could appoint as a guardian for her children. Eventually, she mentioned her parents who came into Singapore every now and then to help care for her children . However, it would mean that her children's education will be disrupted as her parents will not be able to remain in Singapore on a long term basis.  We then suggested the names of other mothers whom we knew that were also from  her country.  That was helpful as she remembered the generosity, one mother had previously extended to her children.

After hearing Ida out, this mother agreed to be appointed the children's legal guardian. Together with Ida, they have come up with a care and supervision plan that involves regular visits from Ida's parents. We are also helping Ida to reestablish contact with her husband's side of the family and most importantly for now,  supporting her children and her as they bid each other goodbye.

Despite a bleak situation, much can still be done to bring meaning, purpose, relief and a sense of peace to those we serve.

Have a good weekend!
Gerard

We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop. - Mother Teresa

Dear Team
Brenda who is in her 40s is a proud mother of 2 young children who attend our learning programmes. Despite not having very much, she opens her home and her heart to 3 other children who have no accommodation. She constantly reminds her children that no matter what their circumstance, they always have it in them to share.  As such, all the children in her household are firm friends.

Recently, Brenda was hospitalised and so as respite from her day to day routine, we invited her and all 5 children to spend a weekend with us. We told her that she will get a chance to rest while we occupied the children with activities. When she accepted our invitation, we told her that the weekend will also allow us to show our appreciation for her generosity towards the 3 children.

Many of the people we serve actually serve as important resources for our work. We must honour their efforts and thank them in the same way we recognise volunteers who are not service users. For many of them, their circumstances would require them to be associated with social services for a long time as their file needs to remain open for their children to remain on educational assistance schemes. So moving beyond social services would also mean their efforts in serving others; their giving in spite of their receiving.

Brenda was visibly weak and tired but she managed a smile when she received her welcome gift of soap and hand cream. The choice of the welcome gift was an important part of our intervention. Brenda because of her past had fiercely prevented us from contacting her family. She believed that her family despised her for the choices she had made and having a social worker visit would only reinforce her family’s perception that she was deeply troubled. However, once she did pass us the phone number of her sister but she had forgotten.

We were concerned about Brenda’s health and wanted to see if we could get her family to offer her some support. With the welcome gift we prepared a foot bath and offered to give her a hand massage. She was surprised by our offer but gamely rested her feet in the warm water and allowed our colleague to gently proceed with the massage.  The physical touch brought about an openness that our colleague had never experienced of Brenda.  Brenda shared how she was brought up by her father, her love for swimming and bicycles when she was growing up and also the difficulties her siblings and her had to overcome.  When the footbath had cooled, our colleague took out a piece of paper and together with Brenda drew her family tree or what we call a genogram.

From our conversation, we learnt that Brenda felt closest to the sister whom we were in contact with. We were glad as we had earlier arranged for this sister to visit Brenda at our premises. So when this sister stepped into our premises an hour later, Brenda took her first steps back to her family.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts. – Charles Dickens

Dear Team
Ellyn (her real name) is 15 years old and she was featured in a television programme called “Little Great Givers’ that initially ran on Channel Okto in February. Last Sunday, her episode was aired on Channel 5. The TV programme told the stories of 7 young Singaporeans aged between 10 to 18 years old who gave their time and energy to help others despite their own difficulties.  Ellyn is a young volunteer who supervises younger children with their school work. She is also a patient listener for her peers wherever they need to unload their heavy hearts.  For us, Ellyn is a partner in our work and an important resource for her community.

On TV, Ellyn related how she ran to Kids United whenever her world got her down. She especially enjoyed the football sessions as they gave her the opportunity to kick her frustrations away.  She is grateful that help was all around when she needed it and believes that it is only right for her to be helpful whenever she can.  By the way, Ellyn was named this year’s Most Outstanding Player for the National ‘C’ Girls Football Competition for schools.  She has come some way and we always share a smile with her whenever we reminisce about the ‘fierce’ advocacy we did to get her onto the boy’s football team in her primary school.

Giving is now in Ellyn’s nature. From the TV programme, the Singapore Turf Club noticed Ellyn’s efforts and asked her how they could help. Without any hesitation, she asked them to improve the Hangout where her friends frequent and to get as many of our children and youths possible into the newly opened Universal Studios. Yesterday, Ellyn also visited one of our colleagues who is on hospitalisation leave.

Ellyn’s success reminds us that youth work is about youth development. Serving youths-at-risk is not only about ‘removing’ the risks but it is about preparing them to live a purposeful life. Perhaps, there is a tendency for our sector to think that unless the risks are removed; it is not possible to move onto developmental work. Actually, this thinking limits our interventions and it is not really true because risks are always inherent in life and it is about managing them so that we can get busy living.

14 youths squeezed into a meeting room at JP Morgan together with 40 of their friends who were there to offer their support. These youths were there to pitch their ideas for community service to a team from the bank who will then decide if they could offer their support in terms of adult mentors, funds and other resources.  Although visibly uncomfortable in a Board room setting, these young people explained why they were passionate about their proposal. Only a few were eloquent but all were earnest.

Watching from the side, I felt nothing but pride for their efforts. These young people did not have to do this but they welcomed the responsibility and ran the risk of looking foolish simply because they found the idea of doing something that benefits others rather attractive.  Their projects included organising a football tournament, publicity materials and events for our teen pregnancy helpline, dance classes for their neighbours, cooking for the elderly and so forth.  With time, probably not every project will be realised but these youths would have picked up useful skills for purposeful living along the way. As a parting shot, the staff from JP Morgan put it to the youths most encouragingly, “you may not succeed but life is really about trying to.”

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Dear Team
3 young men who had just been released form reformative training spent a day with their families at our premises. In all we hosted 22 persons comprising grandmothers, uncles, aunts, parents, siblings and 1 girlfriend. The purpose of the event was for each family to celebrate a homecoming and for us to assure all of them of our continued support. As it turned out is was also a good way for each family to become more aware of how the return of their young men will impact their lives.

Johnny was shouting out instructions to his family in a commanding manner during a problem solving exercise which required them to balance a ball as a group over a distance. After several years in an institution, Johnny had no trouble looking the part of an officer in command. To his peers looking on, they would have concluded that he was trying to impress his girlfriend who was also participating but perhaps Johnny was also trying to show his family that he has matured. “Hey mom, leave sis alone and let her do it her own way’ he commanded as his mother held his sister’s arm when she expressed anxiety that she would not be able to keep the ball up. “Was that also a veiled message to his mother that Johnny needs his independence?”  We thought to ourselves.

Johnny’s family members who participated in the exercise were his mother, an uncle, a younger sister and his girlfriend. His grandmother chose to stay out of it but she was involved alright. When the exercise began, she mumbled to anyone who cared to hear that it would only be sooner if not later that the family will start fighting. True enough, as the ball fell and the other families started making headway, Johnny lost his composure. He kept repeating the same instructions even though it was obvious that his mother’s problem-solving ideas were more plausible. Suddenly, Johnny and mother found themselves in a familiar territory where the fight was more important than the reason why they were fighting or rather the reason why they were fighting was only known to both of them. It was definitely not about the ball that fell but perhaps how they have fallen out with each other over the years.

Grandmother started feeling a little embarrassed and loudly commented “This group is the worst! Others have already finished and we can’t even talk to each other.” This led the uncle to put his foot down and he told Johnny firmly to back off and listen to him. To everyone’s surprise, Johnny did as he was told and within minutes the family finished the exercise successfully in full view of the rest who gave them a round of applause. During the debrief,  Johnny could not give a clear answer why he decided to cooperate with his uncle but during the day we had observed uncle putting in much effort to engage Johnny. These things may have looked insignificant - taking a few shots together at the pool table, praising Johnny for his skills at the barbeque pit, asking if he had enough to eat during lunch, making small talk with his girlfriend and leaving the premises together after lunch for a smoke break. However, these things were significant efforts at relationship building and Johnny felt them even though he could not verbalise how he felt about his uncle.

To the family’s credit, Johnny’s grandmother and mother laughed about their family’s mistakes during the exercise and grandmother told us she enjoyed it tremendously even though she was just watching. Mother also commented that Johnny and she had much catching up to do. As for Johnny, we saw a young man trying his best to prove himself to his family but needs support to find ways of doing so. We must be mindful that it is indeed one of life’s most cruel ironies that we discount or even criticise the efforts our children make to please us.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Family life is full of major and minor crises -- the ups and downs of health, success and failure in career, marriage, and divorce -- and all kinds of characters. It is tied to places and events and histories. With all of these felt details, life etches itself into memory and personality. It's difficult to imagine anything more nourishing to the soul. – Thomas Moore

Dear Team
A grandmother sought medical treatment for her 8 year old grandchild for bruises on her arms. Grandma explained that the bruises were caused by the child’s mother who pinched the girl. When grandma added that mother had a mental health condition, she was immediately advised to help the child file a Personal Protection Order (PPO) against her mother.

Grandma was still furious with the child’s mother for her harsh discipline methods and was inclined to do so but she had a nagging feeling that it was not quite the right thing to do. Grandma then asked us to explain to the child’s father and herself how a PPO works. We explained that mom would most probably be mandated for anger management counselling and if she breaches the order by ‘hurting’ her child again, the police could intervene. Grandma and father reflected on what we said and realised that mom had never intended to hurt her child. She probably could not cope with the stress of managing her 3 children on that particular day as no other adult family member happened to be home with her. They also reckoned that such an order will drive a wedge between grandma and mom as well as mom and her 8 year old child. “Why do we have to stab ourselves?’ they asked rhetorically. “Of course not but you have to find a way to support mom and to protect her children” we responded.

They listened as we described the support in the community they could tap on and after some discussion among themselves; they decided that mom should go back to work immediately. They had observed that her mental health condition was less of a problem when she had a job. As for the care of the children, they asked for our assistance to place them in appropriate day care programmes and father will pick them up in the evening for dinner with mom and grandma.

Grandma then informed the medical centre of her family’s care and supervision efforts and they let the matter rest as there was enough community support around the 8 year old and her family. A personal protection order is for life unless withdrawn and while it is a protective factor for the child, it may have destroyed the child’s family which is also a protective factor as wisely perceived by grandma and father.  In working with families, we need to be constantly aware that what we do will always have an impact on a child’s future.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

You ask me what it the most important thing in the world and I will answer you. It is people! It is people! It is people!  –
 A Maori oral narrative

Dear Team
The mother of a 13 year old who was punched in the face was on her way to the police station when a colleague incidentally met her. After listening to her story, our colleague persuaded her to return home. He promised her that he will immediately visit the homes of the 2 boys who had punched her son and arrange for all 3 families to discuss the matter at our office. Our colleague felt that a peacemaking circle would be beneficial for all.

About 2 hours later, the victim was here with his mother and an aunt while one boy came with his grandmother and the other with his mother and sister. The “perpetrators” were surprised by the presence of each other’s family members and when the meeting started, they did not deny their involvement. They explained that they had wanted the victim to join them in a game of catching (tag) but when he refused they punched him.

Although the victim corroborated with their account, his mother questioned the boys for their ‘real’ intentions. She could not believe that anyone would punch her son simply because he did not want to play a game. Then one of the boys said that he was displeased with her son because “he played very rough” during a soccer game the day before.  He had a few bruises and thought that it was a good chance to get back.  The other boy explained that he was angry with the victim because he had told his mother that he was glue sniffing.

This led to a discussion between he boys and the family members whether the glue sniffing actually happened. The family members present discussed the issue animatedly and when it was established that it was hearsay, they asked all the boys to exchange apologies for hurting each other.  The victim’s mother then explained that her son had an asthmatic condition that seems to be triggered every time he experiences undue stress. Hence, she initially ran to the police because she was very angry and not because she had wanted to get the other 2 boys into trouble as she did not even know who it was that punched her son.

The family members then advised the boys on how they should be solving problems. They told the boys that if problems got too much for them, they should approach their family and not try to take things in their own hands. The meeting ended with family members exchanging phone numbers and pledging to look out for each other’s children.  As for the boys, they are still playing soccer together and one of them noted that he was grateful that their little problem did not make their families enemies of other.

We would say it helped their families become friends of each other and these boys now have more adults looking out for them.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

‘Justice’ is a funny word. When you live in a place where that word is used all the time, it can mean many things.  Mostly I think it means “us versus them” someone wins and someone loses; justice as domination.  We think of justice as “just us.”
– Vichey, a Peacemaking Circle Keeper with Urban Youth

Dear Team
Teck Ghee (AWB 0936) has been coping very well in school for the past 6 months. Unfortunately, in a moment of anger, he was deemed defiant and is now suspended. During, a computer lesson, he vented his frustration with the lesson by typing offensive comments about the teacher in the PowerPoint presentation he was tasked to do. It was just meant for his eyes but he did not realise that his teacher was looking over his shoulder as he was doing so.  This led to an exchange of angry words between them and Teck Ghee was suspended for being disrespectful to the teacher.

While we were informed of Teck Ghee’s suspension by the school, it was an agency in his neighbourhood that provided Teck Ghee with the necessary support. Teck Ghee was feeling really disappointed with himself and was extremely anxious how his grandmother would take the news. It is still the Chinese New Year period and his grandmother would be cross with him as she would view the suspension as most inauspicious. So the staff of a Seniors Activity Centre run by the Asian Women’s Welfare Association (AWWA) arranged for his grandmother to meet Teck Ghee at their office, broke the news of the suspension in front of them and facilitated a healing conversation between them.

We are really appreciative of AWWA’s efforts and gratified that Teck Ghee is finding and giving support within his own neighbourhood. Early this year, we tried to interest Teck Ghee’s grandmother to spend her free time at the AWWA Seniors Activity Centre but she preferred to remain at home. Instead, it was Teck Ghee who decided to check out the Activity Centre. Within a few days, Teck Ghee found himself a hit with the elderly and the staff at the Centre.   The staff appreciated the extra pair of hands and the elderly found him most friendly and amusing. His loud voice and manner of speech that often got him into trouble in school became an asset when the elderly voted for him to be the Bingo Master.

Teck Ghee’s contribution at the Activity Centre earned him a warm welcome there and when the people at the Centre learnt of his current brush with his school, they immediately wanted to help.  Teck Ghee is now being supported by the people in his neighbourhood, a neighbourhood where he has found a sense of purpose caring for the elderly; a neighbourhood he calls home.  

In sum, our work is not only about the eradication of problems because humility and reason tell us that we have no control over the many variables that cause problems.  Problems are inevitable but people continue to thrive when they have a sense of purpose and supportive people around them.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

“An absence of problems is not sufficient for a purposeful fulfilled life.” – William Damon

Dear Team
Our children were thrilled when we opened a parcel from the Office of the President of Singapore in front of them.  In it were photographs they had taken with the President during a visit to the Istana last December. The Istana or ‘palace’ in Malay is the official residence of the President of Singapore, Mr S R Nathan.  Our children had the privilege of visiting the Istana as part of the President’s Challenge, an annual series of community-based activities aimed at encouraging the community to help the less fortunate and to raise funds for the social service sector.  Each photograph had a handwritten greeting from the President and our children wanted the group photograph to be hung on the wall immediately. One 12 year old whom we shall call Bobby received a personal photograph of himself presenting a souvenir to the President. We are absolutely sure he will value it considering what Bobby ‘learnt’ from the experience. 

That December afternoon as everyone was preparing to leave for the Istana, Bobby sniggered to himself and wondered what the fuss was all about. When we asked him if he had brought a pair of shoes, he shot back with a defiant ‘No and so what?” adding sarcastically that the President and him were not acquainted.  We intentionally ignored Bobby’s remark as making it an issue would have spoiled the occasion for the other children.  At the Istana, the volunteers who were getting the event going noticed that Bobby was wearing a pair of slippers and felt that it was obviously inappropriate for the occasion.  Thankfully, before chiding him, one of them raised the issue with our colleague who spontaneously defended Bobby as she did not want him being excluded from the event. Tactfully, she apologised for not getting Booby better dressed and alluded that perhaps Bobby only had one pair of shoes but it could have been wet as it had been raining heavily the past days.

This volunteer nodded and walked away. A few minutes later, he asked us if he could get Bobby to participate in a ‘million dollar smile’ audition they were holding to choose the child that was to present the President with a souvenir. “Bobby smiling? Never quite seen that!” we thought to ourselves but we agreed as we were just grateful that Bobby was not getting into more trouble.  As for Bobby, he just shrugged his shoulders and went along with the volunteers. Not sure how these volunteers treated Bobby but obviously in a manner that brought out Bobby’s million dollar smile.

The President had nothing but kind words for Bobby who was still in his slippers. Bobby left the event in a much better mood than when he got there but the significance of the day only hit him the following day when his father showed up at our Centre. In front of his friends, his father told us that he was filled with pride when he saw Bobby with the President on the evening news. His friends and relatives who watched the news started reaching him on the phone to ask what Bobby had done to deserve such an honour. Bobby's father had dropped by to thank us for guiding his son all this while and giving him the honour of meeting the President.

Like Bobby, we had no idea that the event meant so much to his family but by seeing how proud his father was, Bobby 'learnt' that he really mattered to his family. He 'learnt' that his father was always waiting for a moment or a reason to be proud of him. On reflection, he admitted to us that those moments and reasons were far in between and perhaps he had a duty to make them happen more often.

These couple of months we have had the pleasure of having a more cheerful and cooperative Bobby in our Centre. Perhaps, when all of us do our best to walk with the "Bobbies with Slippers" among us, somewhere down the road, these "Bobbies" will realise that putting on a pair of shoes will enable them to walk further.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Every man must wear out at least one pair of fools’ shoes. - Earl Derr Biggers

Dear Team
Hurt relationships are difficult to heal.  A common advice we tend to render is to "talk it out, get it out of our system and move on."  While communication is obviously the key, this piece of advice is easier said than done as 'talking' in a way that heals is not an ability inherent in everyone.  This will always be a reality despite the numerous communication workshops available J

Why then do we place such a premium on 'talking' as a medium of communication?  Our professional training has made us aware that we are constantly communicating regardless of whether we open our mouths to speak or not. This is reality. The moment we meet someone, we form an impression. Of course we can't fully understand someone simply from his or her appearance just like we can't judge a book by its cover. But, when we look at the cover of a book, it is already speaking to us. 

A mother was deeply hurt by the vulgar language her 15 year old son let fly when she confronted him about his late nights away from home. She could not fathom how the respectful and dutiful boy she loved could show such disrespect. She wanted to talk it out with him and invited us to join her for a family campout last weekend.

The boy smelled a rat immediately and warned us that he would run off the moment he had to talk or participate in some programme. Reluctantly, he came along when mom told him that he could go fishing. “Maybe I can learn to fish too” mom added.  The family comprising mom, an elder sister and the boy was a gracious host. They worked together to make sure we had enough to eat but otherwise each member did their own thing.  It was also obvious that the boy kept a distance from his mother.

Mom kept herself busy in the kitchen and we joked that her children's stomachs' are filled with the love she puts into meal preparation. She smiled but was anxious that her son would not talk to her. We reminded her that action speaks louder than words and encouraged her to join her son for fishing as she had planned. She eventually did but the only thing they caught was 4 hours of private family time. We learnt from mom that she did not talk about her son’s vulgar language but spent most of the time learning about hooks, weights and baits.

2 days after the campout, mom called us at the office. "You know, we did not catch any fish during the camp so I allowed my son to go fishing yesterday evening. He came back with 2 large squids and 2 big fishes for me. I am so happy as it is the first time he has done this." 

Mom told us that her 15 year old loves squid and wanted her to cook them but he did not quite fancy fish. Hmmm… so what could he have wanted to communicate with the fish?  I don’t know about him but fish served whole is a Chinese symbol of prosperity because the Chinese word for fish, yu, sounds like the word for riches or abundance, and it is believed that eating fish will help your wishes come true.

So, as we welcome the Tiger this weekend, I wish you ‘Nian Nian You Yu”. May your year be filled with abundant blessings.
Gerard

If you break a rule that values are best communicated through actions; not through words, employees will punish you. –
 T.J Larkin & Sandra Larkin in the Harvard Business Review on Effective Communication

Dear Team
Our youths had a very pleasant surprise this afternoon when 4 members of Cuesports Singapore visited. The National Youth Coach, a Manager and 2 national youth players dropped in for a game of pool.  It was not just a social visit as our visitors came by to share a message. They told our chaps that if they could stay focused on making something out of their lives and keep out of trouble, they could go far in the sport and perhaps even get onto the National Team. It was a generous gesture from our national billiards association who believed that it was the least they could do to encourage young people who are often discouraged by their social challenges.  

The young people we serve often believe that they are not welcomed by formal groups in our community. Hence, they form their own informal groups or gain membership into a gang which makes them feel a part of something, provides a structure and opportunities to prove themselves. However, youths found to be in teen gangs will be sent for a rehabilitative programme and are expected to stay away from ‘gang associates’ who may be the only people who have offered them friendship.  The helping system has framed the problem of gang membership as the youth’s immaturity and indiscretion; and the solution lies with him or her because an ‘offender’ needs to change, an immature person needs to grow up.

Actually, putting the onus of responsibility solely on the individual is not fair. These individuals were looking for a community and providing them with one must be the responsibility of our community.   We need to really ask ourselves if we, the formal and informal groups of people who make up the community have done enough to help such young people believe that they have family and friends?   People who always accept them simply for who they are   Do we value the formal and informal groups in our community enough to encourage their existence? Do these formal groups see that they are not just a part of the community but the community that many young people need? We can’t simply tell them not to join a gang when we have nothing better to offer.

I am optimistic that our community cares. Cuesports Singapore coming by today is one example but an important part of our job is to continually find ways to build a community around those we serve. We should not just see community organisations simply for who they say they are which could be limiting their potential and the possibility for collaboration.  For instance I am inspired by the Girl Scouts of America who run a programme called Beyond Bars.  Here, the Girl Scouts regularly escort children to visit their mothers who are behind bars. During the visits, they facilitate the bonding between mother and child through various scouting games. Now, that’s quite a valuable community service carried out by teenagers. Our work in the prison could do with similar supportJ

Anyway, just something to think about as you enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

One should guard against preaching to young people success in the customary form as the main aim in life. The most important motive for work in school and in life is pleasure in work, pleasure in its result, and the knowledge of the value of the result to the community. – Albert Einstein

Dear Team
I had the privilege of attending a baby shower. Family and friends came together to celebrate the baby’s first month and to show their support for the mother.  As more than 80 guests were expected, the shower was held at a community facility.  Guests tucked into a sumptuous buffet spread that included the traditional red hard boiled eggs as well as ang ku kueh, a red sticky pastry with a sweet bean filling. These delicacies are customary food used to mark an auspicious birth.

The baby’s mother was all smiles as family and friends came by to adore the baby she was holding in her arms.  Love was all around as baby and mom were continually heaped with compliments and well wishes.  After a while, mother’s mother offered to hold the baby so that mother could have something to eat.  I later learnt that grandmother played a significant role in caring for the baby especially during the school week where mother’s priority is to finish her secondary school education. The family had worked out a duty roster that enabled mother to have adequate study and rest time during the school week but on weekends, she had to take up the lion’s share of caring for her baby.

The mother’s father explained to me that as grand-parents they were always willing to help out but ultimately baby and mother must bond. He had discussed this in much depth with his wife and they concluded that for their grandchild to grow into a well adjusted person, the mother-child relationship must take precedence over other relationships.  When I mentioned that a teenager will find parenting quite overwhelming, he reassured me that family support was strong and after all, he will always have his daughter’s best interest at heart.  He assured me that he was mindful of his daughter’s needs as a teenager and a student but he did not feel that it would be in her best interest if he simply allowed her to abdicate her responsibilities as a mother.

I told this father that I was immensely impressed by the way his family has responded to an unexpected addition to the family which they had only become aware of 8 weeks ago.  I then thanked him for inviting me and some other colleagues who had attended to them.  Being at the baby shower reinforced our belief that the people we serve are indeed experts of their own lifeworld.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard
There is no better investment for any community than putting milk into babies. – Winston Churchill

Dear Team
Farizah was potting balls at the pool table when we walked in. She looked up and with a big smile greeted us by our names.  Farizah made our day as she would usually just look up, nod and if we were lucky, she would grunt a little too.  Soon after we learnt that she was in a very good mood because she was part of our girls’ soccer team that was declared Champions at a soccer tournament organised by the Central Narcotics Bureau over the weekend. Was is just that winning feeling that got Farizah behaving like a champ?  Perhaps - but that winning feeling did not just come from winning the tournament. It was the cheering support from family and friends, the admiration of peers and the recognition from authorities. It was being recognised but not for all the wrong reasons that would have ended up in her experiencing some pain.  It was being ‘someone’ in the community.

Sometimes, as helping professionals we focus too much on the treatment of the individual that we no longer see that the normalcy we aspire for our clients is in their family and their community. Their families and their communities are the nurturing factors that protect and develop them positively. Today, I was at a networking meeting for youth serving agencies organised by the National Council of Social Services and I was tasked with suggesting ways to empower youths-at-risk. As the cases were presented, it hit me that if the youths concerned were listening to the way we were describing them; they will punch us in our face. Our descriptions of their situations, their character and their families were just downright humiliating.

I think the problem we end up doing this is because we regard ourselves as experts who need to help these people set their lives straight. We may be experts in our own disciplines but we can never be experts of other people’s lives simply because there is more to people’s lives than the perspectives offered in the disciplines we have been trained in. It is not that our perspectives are irrelevant but our perspective is still just one perspective among many others and we have no right to impose it.

If one looks at the helping sector, one will find helping professionals with different life experiences and at different life stages. Often, I hear beginning professionals voicing a discomfort engaging parents and parents openly doubting the credibility of a young professional that is before them. Well, I would say that we can get around this if we can see ourselves as servants that support these people who are experts of their own lives. Servants who genuinely aim to serve are usually quite helpful.  We are in the service of others and these people have given us a sense of purpose, a sense of competency and a living. Let’s always remember this the next time we are talking about them.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard
In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind there are few. – Shunryu Suzuki

Dear Team
30 fellow professionals from 7 schools, 6 voluntary welfare organisations and the National Council of Social Service joined 31 of us for our first Good Company networking meeting on Wednesday. There was a presentation on Inhalant Abuse, Addiction and Co-dependency by Margery Nixon and Prem Kumar Shanmugam of WE Care Community Services and in the audience, there were also 2 parents and an uncle who wanted to better equip themselves to help the young person under their care.

It was really very encouraging to see so many colleagues from the sector coming together in the spirit of sharing and learning. Although one swallow does not make a summer, it was a good start for Good Company, a loose affiliation of voluntary welfare organisations that pools resources to better serve troubled students and their families. For me, it was also wonderful to see 3 family members feeling empowered enough to sit in a room of helping professionals figuring out how they can help themselves instead of simply leaving it to the professionals. Thus, I was really glad that the speakers stressed that while their programmes could abate the disruptions associated with addiction, it was the family and the other significant people who are concerned with the well being of the young person that mattered for the longer run.

The other reassuring thing from the speakers was that it is really not appropriate to consider young people who have been ‘caught’ for substance abuse as addicts. People seek pacifiers when they want to avoid pain or when they lack the skills to deal with the pain they are experiencing.  Many young people lack the maturity and the life skills to deal with the range of challenges that confront them and they need supportive and caring adults around them. As Marge put it, we are one of these caring adults.

A parent whom we spoke to this week related how counsellors for her child usually kept her informed of the type of coping skills they imparted to help him cope with his anger. However, when the child was at home he would still throw an anger fit and she wished that the counsellors would have also taught her what to do when that happens.

To manage problems, sometimes we break them into smaller parts that are relevant to our expertise but we cannot turn a blind eye to the other parts. Hence, Good Company, an alliance of social service providers, pools resources and works together because it recognises that problems are complex and no one agency can adequately respond in a manner that resolves these situations with a satisfactory outcome.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard
Great discoveries and improvements invariably involve the cooperation of many minds. I may be given credit for having blazed the trail, but when I look at the subsequent developments I feel the credit is due to others rather than myself.’ — Alexandar Graham Bell

Dear Team
The supervisor of a student care centre was furious with a child that we had placed there. In no uncertain terms, she requested a meeting with us and it sounded like she was going to hand the child back to us.  We anticipated a shelling from her, so we were thinking hard how to rescue the situation as we made our way down to her office. As we were getting an earful of how disruptive our child had been, we also got a sense that perhaps the supervisor was not furious because she had no patience for such children but because she was feeling helpless. Perceiving that people actually care but perhaps lack the resources or support to do so, was an important first step towards problem solving.

We apologised for not anticipating that this child would have trouble fitting into the routine of the centre and asked for an elaboration of his disruptive behaviours. As the discussion continued, we put ourselves in the child’s shoes and we gathered that he was feeling isolated and disconnected from the Centre. We realised that this child had no friends within the centre and many of his antics were clumsy attempts at befriending.

We then shared a little about restorative practices and the supervisor requested that we work with her teachers to run a series of exercises aimed at helping the children in her Centre develop relationships and build friendships. So next week we will be working at this student care centre, and perhaps the lesson learnt is that with some patience and empathy, confrontations can turn out to be collaborations.

Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard

Dear Team
Today, Alan Boy will be one 7 year old who is fervently wishing that this is going to be a Happy New Year.  2 days ago, together with a colleague he cleaned up his little flat to welcome his father home. Yesterday morning, together with his younger sister and a grassroots leader who has been caring for him, he stood at the gates of Changi Prison waiting for his father to step out. The grassroots leader then brought the entire family for a roti prata lunch which is the favourite food of the father.
Over the last 4 months, we facilitated Alan Boy’s monthly visits to his father. We recall that during the first visit, Alan Boy was very quiet and hardly spoke a word.  Only on the journey home did he confide in us that he was extremely angry with his father for getting himself incarcerated.  Nonetheless, we continued with the visits and had conversations with him about his father whenever appropriate. The grassroots leader who was caring for him also constantly reminded him that despite his flaws, his father genuinely loved him.
This week, Alan Boy has been telling us that he is really looking forward to being with his father once again.  Despite the disappointments he has experienced in the father-son relationship, there is no doubt that Alan Boy values and honours his father. This loyalty to his father is a strength and quality within Alan Boy which we must be very careful not to dampen in our attempts to attend to his well being.
Perhaps for Alan Boy, "happiness is not something you experience, it's something you remember."  As long as he remembers things, events and people that have brought him happiness, he's happy. On this note, I wish you a Happy New Year. May you always have a happy thought each and every day of the year!
Enjoy your weekend.
Gerard
"Happiness is not something you experience, it's something you remember." - Oscar Levant