Another Week Beyond – 2319

Dear Friends,

I was mistaken that last Sunday was Mother’s Day and I sent out our greetings a tad too early. Nonetheless, the mistake has given me the opportunity to hear a single mom speak about her motherhood experiences. After listening to her, I started thinking that when Mother’s Day is celebrated in the media with stories of exemplary mothering, how would such stories affect mothers who are stressed out by their responsibilities and do not feel very good about themselves.

“As my son is taking PSLE this year, I worry for him constantly. Besides struggling with his academics, my son struggles with bullies at school too. He comes back with bruises on his body and once I found stapler bullets in his lunch box.”  This mother sounded exasperated and very much so with herself, “I struggle with a lot of guilt and self-doubt as a mother, and I often feel like I failed my son as I am unable to spend much time with him or do much about his bullying situation.”

I listened to her gently and wished that she could be a little gentler on herself. She lamented that the many parenting courses she attended and the books she read did not prepare her for how difficult it would be. “I get angry when my son does not follow my instructions and I always regret and apologise because it hurts badly to hear him say that I bully him too.”

It was not exactly comfortable listening to her and I was glad that when she shared about her hope that her son will land a job with a stable income, she was more upbeat. Hope adds life and she then acknowledged that difficult as it may be, she was thankful that she could somehow make ends meet.

Mother’s Day was conceived to honour the sacrifices mothers made for their children. In my mind, this Sunday is exactly for someone like her. Knowing how hard she can be on herself; she will likely discount the sacrifices she has made.  She needs a kinder and realistic narrative about motherhood and the next time I see her, I will introduce the notion of a “Good Enough Mother.” This phrase was coined in 1953 by Donald Winnicott, a British paediatrician and psychoanalyst, who pointed out that babies and children actually benefit when their mothers fail them in manageable ways. He was of course not talking about abuse or neglect.

In his view, children need their mother to fail them in tolerable ways regularly so that they can learn to live in an imperfect world. By doing so, mothers will be getting them ready to function in a society that will frustrate and disappoint them regularly.

When I meet this mother again, I will stress that “good enough mothering” is not an excuse for ill-treatment of children but a realistic perspective of motherhood that values and honours mothers like her.

This Sunday, let us send our kindest thoughts to all good enough mothers.

For peace, community, and imperfection,

Gerard

There is no way to be a perfect mother but a million ways to be good enough.

PAST AWB POSTS

2610 – Oranges, Dates, and Party Plates

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2609 – How We Spend Our Time

Story contributed by Anne Marie, Resource Mobilisation It has been some years since we last stood behind a volunteer recruitment booth in a school setting, and so earlier this month, when we were invited to take part in Nanyang Technological University’s Social Impact Week, it felt like a return of sorts. For two afternoons, we found ourselves in the middle of student activity, surrounded by clubs, social enterprises and fellow agencies. We were there with a simple invitation: to talk about volunteering, particularly in support of the older youths in our academic programmes. At our booth, we asked visitors to

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2608 – Holding The Middle

Written by The Beyond Editorial Team She has always cared for others. Long before we knew her, Mdm Sng* was already checking in on elderly neighbours, helping them navigate services, passing along information, gathering what they needed. When we began working in the area, she reached out quickly. Not for herself. For others. Over time, though, something shifted. There was no single incident. Just the quiet accumulation of strain. Our team had become leaner. Priorities evolved. Expectations were not always spoken clearly. Along the way, misunderstandings surfaced. Community tensions are rarely linear. They sit in the middle of relationships –

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2607 – Refreshing Our Purpose

Story Contributed by Shariffah, Community Worker In January, we gathered again in a familiar circle. Since then, three Capability Building sessions have brought together 26 Neighbourhood Leaders and Community Volunteers from three neighbourhoods. It was not a workshop in the traditional sense. It was a space to pause, reflect and ask ourselves what kind of community we are shaping together. The most recent session, Refreshing Our Purpose, did exactly that. It slowed the momentum of activity and returned us to the questions underneath the work: What are we building? For whom? And how do we know it is truly shared?

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2606 – Still Here

As shared by Daybet, Former Beyond Youth Twenty years had passed since Daybet last walked through the doors of Beyond’s office. The space felt smaller than he remembered, but not unfamiliar. Before he could fully take it in, he saw a face that pulled him straight back into memory. “Uncle George!” George paused. It took a second. Then recognition landed – fittingly, on the very day he marked 23 years of working at Beyond. What followed was the easy rhythm of reunion: updates exchanged, laughter over half-forgotten details, stories filling in the years that had slipped by. “You remember Daybet?”

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2605 – It Takes Time

Written by Wilson, Community Worker I first met Jamie* early last year. She sat close to her mother and said very little. When I asked her questions, her mother often answered first, then turned to Jamie to check if she wanted to add anything. Jamie listened carefully, nodding, offering short replies when she felt able to. Her mother had approached us for support because Jamie was no longer in education or employment. Since leaving school, Jamie spent most of her time at home. Apart from attending school previously, she rarely went out, and once that routine ended, her days became

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2604 – When Learning is Small Enough to Notice

Story Contributed by Jie Ying, Community Worker Last Saturday, we gathered to mark the end of a small Early Learning Programme class at Lengkok Bahru. The class began in June last year with seven children. Over time, some families moved on as needs shifted and priorities changed. By January, three children remained. We did not see this as a shortcoming. Community work often teaches us that participation ebbs and flows, and that small numbers are not a sign of failure but an invitation to pay closer attention. With fewer people in the room, there is more to notice. Parents sat

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2603 – When Youths Take the Field

Story Contributed by Yik, Resource Mobilisation In December last year, a small group of children gathered at Delta Sports Centre for a football session. There were six of them, between four and nine years old. One of the youngest arrived with his mother, staying close as the day unfolded. The session wasn’t run by adults or coaches brought in from outside. It was planned and led entirely by Learning Coaches – youths from the community who already spend their weeks supporting younger children with learning. Over time, these youths have become familiar faces to families, people children listen to and

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PAST AWB POSTS

2610 – Oranges, Dates, and Party Plates

Story Contributed by Dira, Neighbourhood Leader Some evenings come together in unexpected ways. Our monthly community birthday celebration in Ang Mo Kio happened to fall at a time when Chinese New Year was still in the air and Ramadan was already underway. So the evening became a mix of all three – oranges for the New Year, dates for those breaking fast, and party plates laid out for the children celebrating their birthdays that month. Close to a hundred residents – seniors, adults and children – came downstairs to join the gathering. A few of us residents helped organise the

Read more >

2609 – How We Spend Our Time

Story contributed by Anne Marie, Resource Mobilisation It has been some years since we last stood behind a volunteer recruitment booth in a school setting, and so earlier this month, when we were invited to take part in Nanyang Technological University’s Social Impact Week, it felt like a return of sorts. For two afternoons, we found ourselves in the middle of student activity, surrounded by clubs, social enterprises and fellow agencies. We were there with a simple invitation: to talk about volunteering, particularly in support of the older youths in our academic programmes. At our booth, we asked visitors to

Read more >

2608 – Holding The Middle

Written by The Beyond Editorial Team She has always cared for others. Long before we knew her, Mdm Sng* was already checking in on elderly neighbours, helping them navigate services, passing along information, gathering what they needed. When we began working in the area, she reached out quickly. Not for herself. For others. Over time, though, something shifted. There was no single incident. Just the quiet accumulation of strain. Our team had become leaner. Priorities evolved. Expectations were not always spoken clearly. Along the way, misunderstandings surfaced. Community tensions are rarely linear. They sit in the middle of relationships –

Read more >