By Adrina Tie, Community Worker
At our weekly non-violent communication training, I was practicing how to convey one’s virtues to someone. Part of this process is my having to hear someone else tell me my virtues. When I heard what others present thought my virtues were, I felt a sense of warmth. I was then instructed to be grateful for all my good qualities. Honestly, it felt good.
So, I was surprised when a fellow participant had the opposite response when it was his turn to listen to his virtues. He was uncomfortable and pulled away. He later explained that while he believed and appreciated what he heard, he was just not used to being complimented. As a group, we discussed this a little further and surmised that perhaps as a child, he was taught to be wary of “sweet-talking” people with possible ulterior motives. Another explanation offered was that he had learnt to avoid the limelight and attract attention that he may not be able to handle.
This participant felt both explanations held some truth. He recognized that this response to compliments may have somehow protected him when he was younger, for which he was grateful. The group concluded that the learned behaviours that once served us well, may not necessarily be useful in the present.
This arrived-upon epiphany reminded me about two recent incidents involving our community enablers – residents who receive a stipend for carrying out administrative, logistical and neighbour engagement duties with a view that they acquire skills to enhance their employability.
One of these enablers was working on a database, and would every now and then, slap her forehead and mutter, “Stupid, stupid me!” I remarked that sorting through the database could be confusing and asserted that she was definitely not stupid. She smiled and continued working calmly.
The other incident also involved the internal database. A different, more experienced community enabler was teaching a “newbie” enabler how to navigate the database. The newbie was doing well and was praised by her instructor. But her responses to the positive praise was, “Stop it! You are just being sarcastic.” Both the senior enabler and I were startled. When the newbie was assured that the praise was well-earned and genuine, there was an awkward silence. I stepped in, examined her work and told her that she had indeed done a good job, joking that two people were unlikely to be wrong and she had every reason to be proud of the new skill she had acquired.
I shared these three incidents because I realised that it is necessary to practice giving and receiving positive feedback. Otherwise, a belief that we are never good enough or worthy takes root within us. Such a belief obstructs us from discovering and offering our gifts and living a satisfying and joyful life.
So, I make it a point to consciously find ways to express to the people I encounter every day, that they are enough. “You are enough!” This is my offering for a better world.
Help offered should build on people’s strengths and not simply remedy their weaknesses. – A Beyond Social Services operating principle.
